Film update

My love for the cinema has been brutally savaged by the utter dissapointing messes that were the, completely unfunny and therefore faliures, Tropic Thunder and Pineapple Express. And now I hear (HtLFa) Alienate People is crap also.

Why does the universe deny me the pleasure of being able to see a truly great comedy at the cinema?

Holdiay

Off on my holiday, so no time for a review. Have just seen Dark Knight and Wall.E and they are two films that have redetermined my love of cinema. They really are very, very good.

Hancock - Review

I attempted to see this film with no idea of the reviews, so that I could form my own opinion. Sadly this was not too be, and I am aware of the kicking this film has received from critics. They hated it. At first I argued with them. But they were right.

This movie is made up of two short films. Not literally, but that is the way it plays out. The first arc, the one shown in the trailers, lasts about 40 minutes, and I should say now that it is amazing. The opening half of this film is exactly what I wanted to see. Will Smith played the character perfectly, his abilities were powerful but not overly so, and his personal problems made him an endearing character. I thoroughly enjoyed myself.

Then that plot ends. Will Smith has superpowers, but he is a drunk. He is not a traditional superhero. Everyone hates him, and he goes to prison to reform himself. He goes through personal changes, and comes out a hero. This takes half an hour. This is great. This, if fleshed out a bit and with a strong ending, is the film I wanted to see.

But this is not Hancock. Everything after this point goes downhill. And amazingly so. There is a twist that creates a bull-shit mythology, and destroys almost all of the character relations. I felt my enjoyment slip, as Hancock, as a movie, fell apart. And then it end, for this is a very short film. A very short film, that booth looses it message and any resemblance of entertainment.

The humour was quite funny, but not enough to make this a comedy. The action was brilliant, but based upon the same premise. Super-Will Smith beats up idiotic criminals.. The plot holes are immense, and just get bigger. There are no real bad guys, and way they act defies all logic.

I cannot stress how much fun I had at the beginning of this film. I had avoided reviews, and I loved it. Then it skipped everything I wanted to see in one montage, and destroyed all enjoyment I had. The dénouement came after a half-hour, and the film that emerged after that was cringingly bad.

But I will watch this again. No matter what comes after, the opening of this film is wroth going to see. When it is cheap on DVD, or shown on T, I will tune in. But I will only watch the first half. This could have been amazing, but the film they chose to make was not the one I wanted to see. What I wanted, they skipped. So much promise. Shame.

SiN Emergence review

I recently picked up the first episode of the videgame series SiN, at a bragain price on Steam. Sadly, SiN was cancelled for unnconeccted reasons and only the first episdoes exists. Once I had finished playing, the urge to review what I had bought struck me.

Not that long ago, everyone was abuzz about episodic gaming. About how this was the future. The first big attempt at this was SiN: Emergence, the first episode in a new series. Sadly, the developers, Ritual, were bought out and SiN appears to be dead. Only the first glimpse into this series is available for the world.

SiN is a FPS that draws immediate parallels with the Half Life Series; episodic, on Steam, all first person with no cutscenes. It even has a similar loading bar. But the difference is that while Half Life is perfectly crafted, SiN is pure entertainment. The enemies and weapons are few, and can become repetitive. This is not a flawless game. Nonetheless, its weapons feel meaty, and it is well paced. You will be entertained, through well chosen humour, diversity and tougher sections. Difficulty is something targeted by the game, dynamically shifting throughout, to maximise fun. Hardly noticeable, but that is the point. The game does not break your immersion. Music, speech and sound effects all play a role in this, keeping you involved in this sort game. You sit down, and you play, a pleasure until the end.

The problem with SiN is that it has no end. The final boss is finished with a teaser for the next episode, giving more questions. Who will survive? What is really going on? The potential for the rest of the series leaves me eager for more.

And so all that can be done is to enjoy. Enjoy an underrated great. Don’t be put off because there is no sequel, but enjoy it because it is fun. And hope, that one day, the essence of SiN is continued.

Doctor Horrible

This looks awesome.

I know nothing about this. It is new from Director Joss Whedon, he of Buffy and Firefly fame. It is a musical about a failing supervillain and his attempts to win the girl, and is coming soon.

The first trailer just appeared and looks awesome, so here I am to share it with you.

Teaser from Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog on Vimeo.

TF2 - Pyro update

This will be one of the most useless posts ever, because I have not yet played the update, and I do not in the slightest feel excited by it.

Two new custom maps and a change to the (hateful) CTF_Well. Those are nice touches. Changes to a class I have little intrest in playing, but will be swarming around the servers for the next week or so. That is the huge "meh".

On the plus, Meet the Sniper was one of the best things I have ever seen.

J-Film #14- 'The Incredible Hulk (Audio)'

still haven't found out about embedding, please go the the JXM forums and the reviews section for the download link as it wont work here, I will be writing a special film report for the bloghammer soon, so don't worry about that

J-Film #13- 'Gone Baby Gone (Audio)'

cant embed it yet more research is required (please help me!) so heres a download link.

http://forum.j-server.org/showthread.php?p=5584#post5584

well actually thats the link to the JXM forum post but yeah silly rapidshare link wouldn't work

Reflections on Gran Turismo 3

The first game I got, with my brand new, Christmas present PS2, was GT3. It was amazingly pretty, but it was so boring. It was slow, and I was too young to understand that slow equals fast in a true simulation. So I went out and bought something else instead, Bond's Nightfire I believe, and messed about on that.

Recently, I put GT3 back in my PS2. I do not have a new console, but I do have a new TV, and so i spend my time playing through all the games I missed first time around; Metal Gear Solid and Devil May Cry for example.

Firstly, I want to point out how wrong the younger me was. Perfecting cornering is extremely rewarding. Secondly I want to point something out. GT3 is one if the most beautiful games ever. You may be incredulous at this. This is a game from 2001. Yet, it offers wide-screen support, and is truly breath-taking. This, to be fair, is because it cheats. Just like all the best games should, it is very particular about what it presents to you. There is no damage, no weather, limited ocular customisation and no interior for the cars. Because of this, GT3 allows the player to marvel at the tracks, the heat-waved air, and the cars. GT3 is stunningly pretty.

And this is my gripe. The PS2 was not finished. Looking at the life-cycle of a games console, you can see the comparison between launch titles and games from later on. I personally feel that the older consoles could have been pushed further. But they are not. Why is it in Sony's, or Microsoft's, interest to prolong the life of their console. They want us to buy the new one, and this kills the specialisation of the old. Pro Evo is a case in point, the transfer to a new generation has ruined the game on all formats, and will take years to correct. We don’t need the quick turnaround. Anyone remember the 4mb of RAM expansion for the N64?

I am having great fun, and it has not cost me a penny. I just looked to what I already have and took joy in that. Nonetheless, I still want MGS4, and I still haven't started MGS3 yet.

J-Film #12- 'Indianna Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull'

Here it is, the review of the film you have all been waiting for! And yes, this is another case of the review being a lot more entertaining and having a lot more characterization than the actual film. I'm sorry, I know you all like Indy and I do too, but this film was just bland, and worse, it was more of a cheap, pikey copy of Tomb Raider than an Indy flick. The reason I haven't reviewed the film before today is one involving a cougar, a tank and a washing machine...only joking. I wanted to see the new film in juxtaposition with 'The Last Crusade', so I could get a better feel of what was missing; and here are the sad, ominous and foul smelling results.

You all remember that famous moment when our most loved protagonist shot that martial artist in 'Raiders of the Lost Ark', how he would continually outsmart his enemy? Whenever he did something particularly stunning, it was usually by accident, and you got the general impression that he was more of a thinker thrust into these situations than a male Tomb Raider? Well, Steven Spielberg hasn't.

There could be many explanations of this, ranging from the abduction and murder of Spielberg by the separatist forces or the 'Order of the Cruciformed Sword', through to dementia (or possibly mania, if he was playing Oblivion); but upon closer inspection it becomes apparent to me that he was just trying to revamp the film for more modern cinemagoers. Particularly the ones who just went to see the film so they could fondle their girlfriend while their dad campaigns for the BNP.

It is rather ironic to see Harris-old Ford become younger and younger throughout the film and cope with pain and his hard wearing situation better than he did in previous films, including surviving a Manhattan project nuclear bomb in a fridge. Ok, so that didn't make much sense, but shut up, I'm tired. Just read it, ok?

I will not endeavor to tell you much about the technical aspects of the film, as they aren't really the point of focus here, but as the film carries on the cinematography gets much worse. The soundtrack was alright and there is some early film recurring joke about CGI gophers (this is not the fucking Incredibles, get rid of the CGI you twats and shoot the motherfucking gophers!). Theres also a cringe worthy moment involving CGI monkeys (you'll know it when you see it) and millions of man-eating ants for no apparent reason.

I'm not trying to say the film is bad, and by all means as its own film it's above average, but following up a great and iconic trilogy, its effectively as bad as 'Cloverfield' having a threesome with '10,000BC' and the third Matrix.

By all means go and see it, but if you don't expect much I'm sure it'll be a lot better. Frankly, though, you'd probably be better off going to see 'Cassandra's Dream', as that is fucking EPIC. J-snukk out.

Rundown -

Shooting: 7

Characterisation: 5

Soundtrack: 7

Plot: 8

Effects: 4

Variable field dependent on context and genre - CGI fucking gopher and monkey clusterfuck: -107

Overall J-score: 5/10

If there is anything you would like little Johnny to know do not hesitate to email me at Johnny.neicho@sky.com Johnny.neicho@sky.com> (Seriously, if you read this and reply to me via E-mail within 2 days I will give you my Age of Conan drinking cape and war mammoth (free items with special editions))

A huge nothing..

Exams. Nothing happening. Sins of a Solar Empire will be bought soon. Indiana Jones will be watched. 'Till then, it is those damn exams I need to focus on.

Reflections on the TF2 Update

Frankly, that was a bit dissapointing. I must admit, my hopes where ludicrously high. After leaving it a few weeks to see how things settle, it is time to reflect. The truth is, that instead of rekindling my love for Team Fortress, the update stopped me playing for a while, what with everyone wanting to play one map the whole time, and far too many medics about the place.

That map was the main new bonus, for it is far better than Badlands. The idea of safe-guarding a cart to the end of a map I love. It leads to some very tense endings, as the cart will almost always almost reach its destination, which happens to be just next the the enemy spawn. This is a stroke of genius, which leads to some great momemts, some great impossable defences. The problem is that many people have not yet adjusted to it, which massivly overpowers some classes, like the demoman; one the other hand this is also the greatest thing about this new map, this new mode. It is new. I like it. It is a good new. It is just annoying that it seems to be the map most servers (that I like) are running most of the time.

The truth is the new achievements annoy me. I am not a fan of achievements, having watched my brother grind hours of Pro Evo on the lowest difficulty in order for points on his 360, I now see people playing on special servers to grind out the new weapons. "Meh," is my only reply, and to follow it with launching a personal tirade as some brilliantly worded inner-monologue, for their focus and dedication should reward them, while my desire to just play the game is unlikely to yield results.

The new Weapons suck. Sadly, I don't speak from experience, but I have it on reputable authority and having seen t9ohers about the place with them. I have only got he first, and it has made almost no difference to me. A bit of health with every needle gun hit, but no crits? I need crits. The others, I dont even really know if they exist, I dont see them in agme much, and have all nbut put them from my mind. It does seem interesting the possibilities for the other classes, but valve seem determined to only make very minor changes, at the expense of something cool.

Meet the Scout was quite a nice video. I liked it, but I didn't love it. Meet the Engy made me want a turret, Meet the Demo caused me to sink hours into that class. Meet the Scout made me chuckle and move on.

This new update has royally annoyed many. I am just dissapointed. Having waited months for this to come out, it was frankly average. Ho-hum.

Iron Man - Review

So, Iron Man is finally out, and the review is finally here. I don’t know if you can remember my thoughts on the Iron Man trailer, all the way back in February, but I made a few crucial points back then, a few things I felt Iron Man needed to avoid. My first point was to keep the origin story plotline to a minimum. The second suggestion was to make the villain interesting and therefore the resulting conflict dramatic.

Iron Man failed to heed either of these suggestions. It is all origin story, and the conflict between hero and villain is disengaging for the audience to the extent that we really just don’t care at all. The villain is terrible, and the actual heroic of Iron Man are kept to a minimum. All he does is deal with his own self-important morality crisis and then defend his own life. He does not even get a kitten out of a tree once. He is really not mush of a “hero”.

The good news is that Iron Man is still awesome.

And I claim that is because of my third point: make a hero who is both super-strong and still super relatable. This is based upon one key principle, Robert Downey Jr.

The casting as a whole is superb, Gwyneth Paltrow and Jeff Bridges do good jobs at supporting the tone of the film, even if their characters are a bit flat. Special kudos must go to Robert Downey Jr, who turns a potentially disastrous character into a watchable, relatable hero. His delivery is perfect, he carries scenes on his own.

He is perfectly supported by the effects work. Iron Man truly looks like he is flying. He truly looks like he can do what he does, and the division between computer effects and a man in a suit are brilliantly done.

Unless, that is, you decide to pay real close attention. Under scrutiny, you can see some flaws. My advice, don’t watch properly. Just let it float on over you. One good point I should add is that Iron Man does a good job of showing the audience what is going on, something becoming rare in a post-Bourne world. Yes, Transformers, I am looking at you.

Iron Man stays away from the traditional love story that most superheroes films focus on. Iron Man also stays away from the traditional Bad-Guy-needs-to-be-stopped-from-doing-evil story that typifies the genre. There is not even a natural disaster on an accident that needs to be averted. There is a small amount of love, and there is a small amount of evil that only serves to make the last half hour of the film quite disappointing.

What Iron Man does do is split itself neatly into three segments. In the first, the main character, Tony Stark, is captured by terrorists who want him to build them a superweapon, and he embarks on a plan to escape. After these first 40 minutes (exactly), the second period is spent with Stark working out the mechanics of building a working suit. The final fragment involves Stark using his new suit to try and stop another suit inhabited by the oh-so-obviously evil baddy. This division works well, but it does give the impression that you are watching three short films, that are only loosely interconnected. There is no feeling of true continuity to the feel and tone of the film. And then the film ends just when it has found it’s feet.

Making matters worse is the pathetic predictability of the whole film. Every scene plays out almost exactly as you would suspect. This is a traditional superhero film. It is quite well done, but if you are not a fan of the genre this will not be the film to convert you.

This brings me to my main point. The morality of the film is questionable, the view of death and of violence I found disturbing. I know I shouldn't find a popcorn film like this troubling in any way, but the choice to place much of the film in the middle-east, with terrorists, did not sit well with me, personally.

Nonetheless, Iron Man is brilliant for what it is. It is well made, well acted, and the action is well done. But that is all it is. "well" sums up all aspects of this film. I left the cinema feeling content, but the more I thought about what I had seen the less impressed I was.

What pissed me off most was the feeling that I had just waited months to see the beginning of a story. Iron Man is setting up a sequel, and I hate it for this, because as soon as Iron Man is ready to go, we stop.

Ironically, this may read like a bad review, but Iron Man is actually quite enjoyable. I would recommend going to see it. Luckily for you, you already know, for sure, if you want to see Iron Man or not. It is so formulaic and so traditional. My first impression was that it was awesome. It is awesome. It is just not as awesome as I had hoped. But then, I was hoping for it to be the best thing ever.

I am not too happy with this review. J-Snukk put so much pressure on me, and I don’t think I did the film justice. It is, actually really good. I am just bitter, because it falls for every trap I hoped it would be smart enough to avoid. That aside, Robert Downey Jr portrays the best main character in a superhero film, and the film is an enjoyable way to pass a few hours. And from this point on, I will build up in my own heart the hype for the nest film.

In three words? Predictable. Anti-climatic. Formulaic.

Bricked Xbox, unfinished GTA IV and Apathy

Now I was very surprised this evening for 6 distinct reasons, i shall now go through all of them in chronological order:

1) the evil that is RRoD chose today to bite me on the arse

2) I haven't finished GTA IV, and now i cant

3) I went onto steam, declared the RRoD rather dramatically and nobody noticed, apart from plec

4)I then banned somebody who was saying "no u!" for some reason to various comments before popping a your mum joke, completely out of context or decency, did i mention he was a guest?

5) People seemed effectuated (I hope spell check chose the write word there, and no, this is a not a time to mock my spelling) with this little cretin

6)I was then thoroughly subjected to sever amounts of 'flame' as if I was to expect a random guest saying very random, clealry irritating things wasn't in fact just what he was

I think three simple letters can sum this up W T F.

Curse you God, just cos I'm an atheist it doesn't mean you have to fucking shit on my head! (irony and hypocrisy in one there?)

Much to my dismay...

As I sign into google and glance upon our fair bloghammer, I see that DDude plans to write and 'Iron Man' review, now i have been inactive for a couple of weeks mainly due to a lack of fulfillment in my life (which i have now started to ignore) but you see now I'm back, and i saw an advance showing of the incredibly good 'Iron Man' on Thursday I thought i might write a review of it. I forgot. I now remember, but my plans are foiled, Dam you DDude, you may have this review as in all fairness you did get their first, and it would be spiteful of me to post now. I suppose it gives me a break until Friday though (as nothing else but Iron Man came out this week)

But Mr. Ian Dawson I got bagsies on 'The Dark Knight' 'The Incredible Hulk' and the newest 'Indiana Jones' BE WARNED, BE VERY WARNED.

the ideas expressed in this rant are the opinions of God himself

Warning!

Iron Man review incoming!

All I have to do is see it first!

I am very excited!

A Great Moment in TF2

I love TF2. I play on Javaserver, mainly because I love the company. I am good, because I play a lot, but I am not brilliant. I do, and this is the important part, get very exited over moments of brilliance. They keep me buzzing for weeks. This is the latest one...

I few nights ago we were playing on Gravelpit. For those not in the know, this is a map based around attack vs defence. One team must capture two points before moving onto a third to win the game, the other team must hold out for a set time to win. This is fun.

We were defending, and we were being pushed back. We had lost the first two points and things looked bleak. I decided to try my hand at engineer, a class whose main job is to build big sentry guns. I went to set one up in on of the corridors the other team would come through.

Sadly I was interrupted. A Heavy and medic combo ran around the corner and blew my just put up level one turret away. I jumped back, around the corner, and they did not see me.

But I did not back away. I had my wrench out, and I ran at them. They were distracted, looking the other way.

First to feel my wrath was a sniper. He never saw me coming, and I smacked him with my wrench. One down.

Then the medic fell. With a crit, my wrench smited him. Two down.

And then the heavy, and old enemy, was startled by my presence. He is a slow class to react. If he could turn his minigun on me I would be torn to shreds. But I had a few short seconds while his gun rotated up to speed, and in that time I hit him twice. Crit. Crit. Dead.

And there I was, a lowly, unprepared Enjy. Standing on the corpses of three of mine enemies.

It was a glorious feeling.

PGR3 review

It says something about the human condition that the manufacturers of washing machines made the dials on the front click when they were moved, just because people preferred them that way. It says something about me that I've yet to find a more satisfying feeling in any racing game than, when pulling off an immense powerslide in PGR3, you hear the little Kudos meter in the top left of the screen clicking away, quantifying your awesome trick, affirming by the small chime at the end that yes, that was an incredible drift.

The encouragement of stylish driving has always been at the heart of the PGR series, with the Kudos meter awarding you points based on how stylishly you complete its many challenges, creating a very different focus to the game. In PGR3 the most formidable opponent you will face is yourself. You'll curse yourself for each corner you miss. You'll swear when you hit the wall, trying to pull the biggest slide possible. By comparison you probably won't care if you get overtaken by an AI racer, regarding it as a minor inconvenience.

The bulk of PGR3 lies in its solo career mode where, as previously mentioned, you race your way through a series of events, typically with 3 challenges per event, to get a shiny cup. What makes PGR unique is that these challenges are very rarely straight out races. You'll be faced with challenges asking you to overtake 5 people in a minute, you might have to complete a long course in 20 seconds, made possible by every stylish move you make stopping the clock. The variety of challenges is huge and this helps to keep the game fresh, despite the fairly limited track variations.

Apart from the test track every track in the game is set in one of three cities- London, NY and Tokyo and the big gimmick of PGR3 is that the whole city is rendered in the game, so in theory there is a limitless combination of tracks. This does, however fall down in practice with most of the tracks included by default (you can make your own in a track editor) looking, and behaving, exactly the same- 90^o corners, long straights, the occasional view of a city landmark. Once you've mastered driving on one of PGR3s tracks you've pretty much mastered them all, it'd have been great if the developers had included some real tracks to race on to give the game more longevity.

While the tracks leave a little to be desired the cars in PGR3 certainly do not. You're given a supercar right from the very start of the game, in contrast to games like Gran Turismo where you're pootling about in a hatchback at 30mph for the first few hours. It says something about the selection of cars in the game that there is a "walk around garage" option, allowing you to drink in every small detail on the lovingly modelled cars.

Obviously such a large collection of cars and tracks is useless if the games driving physics aren't sound and, for the most part they are. PGR3 certainly isn't a serious racing simulator in the way that titles like Forza are- drifting is almost insultingly easy and it's very rare that you won't be in total control of your car, no matter how ridiculously fast you're going.

In fact, difficulty seems to be a bit of a problem in PGR3- opponents in every challenge are selected according to what car you have so there is absolutely no incentive to use anything than the cheapest car, which is also the easiest to drive. You can pick a difficulty at the beginning of each challenge but rather than making the races harder it simply sets higher targets, for example on "professional" you have to come first in every race, compared to third on "medium" difficulty. It's an interesting idea but the races are so easy that getting first place really is no hassle at all. Some of the non-race events are more challenging, the timed events in particular coming down to the last 10 seconds nearly every time but nothing beats the thrill of a tough race and it's a pity that PGR3 never quite manages to deliver this thrill.

Difficulty issues can be rectified by taking part in the Xbox Live online mode included, but this requires Xbox Live gold and in my experience the XBL community are awful racers, preferring to ram you off the track than have a proper race, and swearing at you endlessly if you mess up and hit them.

With PGR4 now in the shops you can pick up PGR3 for less than a tenner and for that much it's very definitely worth it. Its great fun to play with friends, one challenge each, but once you've experienced all the challenge types and bought all the cars (which will take less time than you think) PGR quickly loses its appeal, without a decent online community and with too little challenge in its offline modes

79%

J-Film #11- 'Pathology'

Today I would like to start by letting you know that this film was fucking hard to get into (for good reason, see further down). My film session began with me entering the rather large and glassy lobby of Stevange Cineworld, as you could probably expect. This went swimmingly: I didn't get hit by any irate cinema-goer unfortunate enough to actually buy a ticket to 'Meet the Spartans' or trip over the door frame like a flid (why that isn't in the dictionary I really don't know). The problem arose when I met with the ticket geezer (for want of a nicer term) who, rather rudely I thought, asked my age.

I said I was 18, but had left my ID at home, and all I had to show was my HAND card (Harts Additional Need Database). He then asked me my birthday. "Simple" you all unanimously breathe in smug tones, but unfortunately I am horrible at mental arithmetic. Basically, I cannot subtract 18 from 2008 without looking retarded. "Wait!" I thought to myself. "I have handed him my retard card, I am meant to look like a retard." Thus, in a flash of mental prowess, I told him "I don't remember", whereupon I fidgeted for a bit. That my dear friends and disciples, is how I single-handedly made not just the entire queue for the ticket booth, but also the ticket geezer, very uncomfortable, and gained access to a truly epic film.

On with the film then. Well first of all, its more of an 18 than 'Rambo'; hell, its more of an 18 than 'Homicide 4: The Barbed Dildo Chronicles' (Dildo isn't in the dictionary -.- BOBLIKE). It involves a lot of consequence free murder, a lot of sickening body parts, rib crackers and a sick game played by psychopaths, whereupon one of the circle kills someone in an odd way, and the others have to use their pathological (have a clap for guessing pathology was involved) skill to work out how exactly they did it. Well, no; it doesn't sound too dark, but its complete moral ambiguity is deeply disturbing, as are its oddly deep subtexts and comments on society and the modern world and how it doesn't fulfill itself. However, this is an artfully (read: poncy) unfulfilled film, and even though I saw it yesterday afternoon, I am still deeply disturbed by the whole thing.

With that out of the way it may be time to focus on the more technical aspects of the film. I think I'll start with the sound track. AllI know is that it's either average, poor, or non-existent. That's right, I don't remember it at all; this could be from the soundtrack being the aforementioned things, or it could be a mix of that and my tainted love for the film. Moving in a deliberate, logical fashion it may be time to judge the shooting quality of the film, and guess what? I don't care if it isn't, because I'm going to do it anyway. The film uses largely defined film principles, uses all the rules, except that of the growing trend of no establishing shot, which could probably be considered a rule now anyway. The rule of thirds, etc. etc. is all there, but at the same time that takes up all the room leaving a lot of arty shots unattended, and leaving the hotel without paying.

Finally, I am going to dedicate a whole paragraph to the effects. In short, they are brilliantly gory, artful and dark which makes a complete and brilliant poncy infusion, which compliments the film's storyline. In long, the lighting on all the gore, especially towards the beginning (artfully getting darker towards the end, as do the shots themselves, although, as I have previously mentioned, the shots considered in a technical sense are nothing special) makes it seem unreal, seemingly ineffective, but very strangely it seems to make it very disturbing, creating a world that could perhaps be described as "through the psychopath's eyes" which indeed makes he aforementioned darkening of the scenes and the gore border upon even more planes of understanding and sense, as the characters degrade even further. Need a break? Don't worry: that's the end of the issue.

Next issue...actually, you know what? I'll surprise you. J-film quiz on Monday, if you want an invite to the steam group contact me.

Rundown -

Shooting: 6

Characterisation: 9

Soundtrack: 5

Plot: 9

Effects: 9

Variable field dependent on context and genre - moral ambiguity: 9

Overall J-score: 9/10

If there is anything you would like little Johnny to know do not hesitate to email me at Johnny.neicho@sky.com (For God's sake, just e-mail me some granny porn or something)

Off on Holiday

I was going to go and watch The Orphange and provide you with a review, but it is sadly not showing anywhere at a useful time.

I'm off to Devon for a week with family. Should be fun.

Happy Birthday Java.

See you all later.

Long or Short posts

Just a quick question.

Do you like short posts or long posts. I try to keep my anecdotes short, but I let my reviews trail on.

Do we need to better self-edit oursleves? Should we blog what we feel, regardless? Do you give up on long posts automatically?

J-Film #10 - 'Son of Rambow'

If you haven't heard of this film, you must be suffering from a rather severe case of death. It has been all over the TV, all over the radio and all over the net, and on all of these places it has been rated as a superb film. I am obliged to agree with them: the film is very, very good.

Its filmed lovingly, with a loving story and a lovable cast of characters, and yes, while it's lovable, and syrupy, and chuck-worthy and not my cup of mountain dew, this probably goes a long way to explain its extreme commercial success; after all, the media and East-Ender riddled cretins love a nice, happy tale, full of loveliness. But I'm afraid that'll never be me.

However, if you do happen to like this sort of thing, it's practically a perfect example of the genre. There is not much to say about it, really, it is a lovely moist cake of loveliness, with a filling of lovely and some humour drizzled on top. It really is quite good.

This film wouldn't have scored so highly with me, but for one very important feature: it pisses straight in the face of religion. Now, I'm not trying to say I hate religion...oh wait, I do. To avoid getting into an argument I'll just say that I really loved how the film did this, and consequently it's going to get an extra point in the rundown.

I realise this is a relatively short review, but there isn't much to say: it just works. And just like 'Hair Spray' and many others, while it's nothing spectacular, its very nature means that it becomes a shining beacon of win.

On another note, next time I shall be looking at either 'Never Back Down' or 'Funny Games'. If it ever comes out at fucking Stevenage Cineworld that is.

Rundown -

Shooting: 8

Characterization: 9

Soundtrack: 6

Plot: 8

Effects: 8

Variable field dependent on context and genre - Kicking religion in 'teh nutz': 10

Overall J-score: 9/10

If there is anything you would like little Johnny to know do not hesitate to email him at Johnny.neicho@sky.com (Oh Comon)

Greatest Day Ever!

I try not to talk about football here too much, but I figured I could share with you all one of the gretest experiences of my life.

Last Sunday I was one of the 39,994 people who paid a visit to Stamford Bridge to watch Chelsea play Middlesbrough, in a Premier League game. It was the first time I have ever visited a Premier League match, and it was amazing.

I am not a Chelsea fan, but I felt like one. When Carvalho nods in the first goal, and everyone around me went wild, I felt a magnificent tingly sensation that I have never felt before. It was so liberating, to be able to look wherever I wanted to, to see what I could see, without replays, living the game in the moment. It was so humanising, to be able to see these players in real life, to watch how they play.

The seats we had were truly incredible. I don’t not really have a yard-stick to judge them by, but I understand that being in the front row of the third tier, almost level with the centre circle, is amazing.

I have never felt like this before. Never before have I been able to watch what the keepers do when no-one else is around!

It was an exhilarating experience, and I now have a new goal in life - to go and see England play a proper competitive international at Wembley.

J-Film #9 - 'Drillbit Taylor'

There’s a lot of difference between a mediocre family comedy and a good family comedy, on one hand you have a great deal of inoffensive content, that was not designed to offend or amuse anyone, on the other hand you have slightly less in-offensive comedy, with some genuinely funny moments. This is What Drillbit Taylor is, however its not strictly family comedy, as its co-created by that geeza who made ‘knocked-up’ and ‘super bad’ and the elements he provides are clearly visible and even though its not nearly as offensive (or, funny really) as ‘Super Bad’ the characters are of the same breed and a lot of the subtler comedy is very much akin to the two great comedies mentioned above.

“So, basically, you’re saying it’s Super Bad for people of the younger persuasion, then Professor Neicho?” I hear you scream at me from your assorted places of residence (notice I didn’t insult you this time.) However you would be slightly misguided in this assumption, while it’s clearly go the aforementioned influences to its comedy and very nature, apart from the obvious family orientated feel, there’s some subtle differences.

You can’t quite put your finger on it at first, but it will soon begin to dawn on you. There are two things that the other co-creator brings - both of which I could have done without to be honest – firstly, over-Americanization (lets play count the times they say “HURRAH”) and secondly, and ordered story, un-like ‘super bad’ and ‘knocked up’ the story-line is pretty much easy to guess, you know whereabouts its going to end, how its going to start and what’s going to happened in-between.

Although, there is a debate about this, some may argue, as it is aimed at a younger audience, they need the familiarity of a more ordered comedy, where they know when the laughs are coming and are not surprised, scientist’s have proved (taking for granted the universe exists of course) that children react better to familiarity. Thus, however, us adolescents (the intelligent ones, at least) or adults, require more surprises to bring humour to the fore-front of our emotional pallet.

This aside however , the film is really quite funny, nothing special, nothing un-expected but very fun, with general laugh worthy moments throughout, although its not the best comedy you will ever see, nor is it the worst. You will enjoy watching this film, whether with your kids (pffffffff hahaha) or with your wife (OMGWTFLOL) or your dad (just right) this is a strong piece of modern comedy cinema, and if you have money to burn, are bored or have a Cineworld unlimited card, you wont want to miss ‘Drillbit Taylor’ especially in such a poor fortnight for films.

And now for something completely different. Just a notice, that I have permission from the Mighty Java to host a weekly J-film quiz, and although there wont be one this week as unfortunately I have to go on holiday with my family, you can all look forward to it when I get back, whereupon after the first one a date shall be decided upon which they shall more regularly be held. The quiz will be aimed at very iconic movies and modern films so don’t worry about any ‘J-ponce’ exclusive films from the 1670’s!

Next issue I shall most probably be reviewing, oh I don’t know, the Cineworld site is still royally fucked, so it looks like ‘Funny Games’ which seems set to be a delightful, Horire (Horror Satire) and is another 18, so don’t say I don’t do anything for you guys.

Rundown -

Shooting: 7

Characterization: 7

Soundtrack: 6

Plot: 7

Effects: 4

Variable field dependent on context and genre - Similarity to Super Bad: 4

Overall J-score: 6.5/10

If there is anything you would like little Johnny to know do not hesitate to email me at Johnny.neicho@sky.com (Still No E-mails, dammit!)

Stargate SG-1: The Ark of Truth

Sorry this review is a few days late. I have been working on it, wanting to get it just right. As such, I hope you like it, and agree with me. I also hope, like all good reviewers, I have, somewhere, delivered a point that you would not have seen otherwise. Please leave any comments below; they make my day, even if they are just to say hi.

I love Stargate. It is not perfect, I will admit. It is prone to errors in judgement, and often suffers from bad episodes. Nonetheless, ever since the revamp, with the new Ori storyline, and the new characters, things have been very good.

For those who don’t know, Stargate SG-1 was good, not so great, great, crap, and then brilliant, more-or-less in that order, over 10 seasons and 214 episodes. It's time on TV over, even with a successful spin-off Atlantis, the makers of Stargate had still not finished their story, and they decided that their best plan was to create a dvd-movie to finish this off, and so this new incarnation revolves around that crusade in the name of evil gods that we were in the middle of when the TV show ended. This was shown, as a two-hour special on Sky One, this Easter just past. It is know as:

Stargate SG-1: The Ark of Truth.

Of course, in true SG-1 style, this is all about our heroes chasing a McGuffin with which to save the world, here by convincing all the followers of the false gods the Ori, that they are indeed false gods, and their crusade against all unbelievers is immoral. This is the titular “Ark” that will show them “Truth”. As it is, this is a great plotline, which does of course develop with many twists and turns. It is also problematic, because it alienates new viewers by being very much the conclusion to a story that some of us will be very familiar with, more so than others. If you have not watched SG-1 before, while this is a good showcase of what Stargate is, but I would recommend starting elsewhere, for much of it will not make sense. If you have been watching SG-1, this is the story that you have been waiting for.

This is because this is awesome, a true finale to the Ori plotline. It keeps a large amount of the humour that typifies the show, with self referential nods and jokes at science fiction staples, whilst keeping many of the things that have run throughout the show intact. The effects work is top notch, but not overused, and the tension builds in junction with the dual plots, which are well interwoven, timed and acted, especially because the relationships between the characters are brilliant. They fact that I have been waiting for this for so long does not hinder the end product, it fulfils everything that you could want the finale to do. It ties up the loose ends without closing the book entirely, or destroying many of the themes that are part of SG-1 lore, as many series finales tend to do, with Buffy and Serenity springing immediately to mind as key culprits.

The fact that there are bad points does not detract from the overall awesomeness of the entertainment, and they all draw from one point. Stargate is much better at creating plotlines, and setting up events than it is at finishing them off. The best episodes of Stargate always end as a set up something that will come later, or are entirely unrelated to the grander plot. Episodes that are finales, in every sense of the word, are always underplaying their potential; it is imposable for them not to. That is why the series did not tie up the loose ends, because that it not what Stargate is best at. The set up, the drama, is best before the end, and as such this is not a movie I would rewatch again and again. Once I have seen it once I am happy.

Importantly, the inclusion of the IOA and their plan is a masterstroke of a decision, which those who have seen this will understand, for it is amazing, even if it breaks SG-cannon slightly, it still works, and it really does make the film, even if it does slightly marginalise the huge crusade that is destroying our galaxy.

But there are some problems. Firstly, the extra money seems to have been given straight to the cameramen, who have spent all their time panning around characters, wobbly-cam at the ready, zooming in on every face in a very overdone style. Secondly, because this film cannot realise all of its enormous potential, some of the set-pieces are sacrificed.

An example, which is a spoiler, but one that does not matter in the slightest, a massive evil fleet approaches Earth. Instead of a huge-battle-where-Earth-fights-aggressors-and-is-saved-at-the-last-moment, the film leaves this alone, and focuses elsewhere. This set-piece is not realised, and this is repeated as the same for many other scenes. There is no time for the slower moments when everything conversation must either start “remember the time when…” and serve as exposition, or “our only hope is to…” and ramp up the tension. This cannot live up to expectations because it has to do so much. And yet, it still does. It matched my expectations, it is a magnificent finale, exactly what the series, and the fans, deserve.

The fact that this is a movie, that it comes over a year after the series ended and has to tie up all the loose ends, is problematic. It means that, not only do we need closure on a long-standing issue, but we need to be reminded of what that issue was. Who characters are, what they have done, why they need to be stopped or helped, an audience needs to be reminded of this, and only then can the answer be given. This is a very time consuming process, which does at some points drag away the tension.

Most of all, there is one problem with Stargate which always comes to mind, and may be more of a criticism in general than a particular fault of this film. It is especially apparent after watching Battlestar Galactica. SG-1 always approach a big issue, a controversial one, that has no “correct” moral answer, but instead of challenging our perceptions, as in BSG, they back away hurriedly and avoid the issue like the bubonic plague. For example, here it is the nature of religion, which they avoid, and the nature of fanatical interpretation of sacred texts, which they also avoid. I also find it morally questionable that they have, in the previous season, wiped out an entire race of beings, in if they are evil false gods, with another McGuffin, in an act of genocide, and seem quite proud of their actions. Fine, they saved humanity by doing so, but I would like it if a few of the characters approached the issue head on, and tackled it as it should be. Naturally, if you didn’t spot any of this, it if because it is only alluded to. I understand the reasons the writers avoid these debates, of how they could corrupt the tone of the piece, but it annoying the way in which they always pull away from, what I feel, could be the most interesting of punches, and the hollow feeling it leaves some aspects of the show.

To conclude, this is a brilliant movie of Stargate. The tension is high, without compromising the characters and their interactions with each other. This is exactly what I had hoped for, even if it does suffer from the long-standing problems that Stargate has always suffered from, and that concluding a long story is always hard. This cannot be as fulfilling as when the writers are developing a story to be finished later, but this is still a brilliant finish to the Ori plot, it does everything you could want of it, and does it well. However, I do not know how much enjoyment anyone who is not a full Stargate fan will be able to gain from this. I love Stargate, and was paying attention to all that happened in the last two years. If you didn’t watch those, chances are you will be left feeling unconnected to the plotline here, as more time is spent of reminding the audience of what is past than of developing the characters, something unnecessary for a full television series, but that may have been appreciated by new-comers to the move.

Bring on Continuum, the second film due in early summer, a more self-contained movie, a time-travelling adventure featuring Jack O’Neil!

If Ark of Truth is just the first example, it bodes very well for things to come.

Stargate Review Tommorow!

Just finished writing the Stargate SG-1: Ark of Truth review.

I want to proof read it in the moring, to ensure that I was not talking crap, and then it will be online.

This is my first, real review. I am exited. Are you?

J-Film #8 - 'Love in the Time of Cholera'

Theres allot to be covered in this issue of J-film. This films is rather nice as it happens and thus as you can probably tell by the title is a love film, which to be good of-course requires it also be deep and thought provoking. Well, here I am required to say in-fact this is not a petty chick-flick about love - as i have already shown by calling it deep and thought provoking - It carries some brilliant and subtle under and over-tones about life and happiness , where-as it becomes apparent the title is slightly mis-leading, the letters o and v should be neatly replaced with i and f. But then you have the even more obtrusively misleading title 'Life in the Time of Cholera' To competently title this film you would have to remove the last 5 words.

The film effortlessly implements the above plots and deep intricacies in a wonderful manner, and is complemented by an amazing cast, lead by the constantly extraordinary Javier Bardem, who, as ever develops the plot into something heart-felt and genuine. As he interacts with the rest of the cast upon the backdrop of a heart-warming and (to say it again) deep story, magic is made. So, very positive, but why was no-one else in the screen with us, admiring this piece of art? The answer, they were all watching 'Meet the Spartans', truly a reflection of the overly bureaucratic and capitalist time and place in which we live, highly publicized and highly crap is the way modern, stupid and ignorant society likes it. However instead of attempting in vain to fix this, I shall attempt to bring more of the film to light to you, who hopefully, will appreciate my efforts.

'Love in the Time of Cholera' uses no overdone or special film effects, and instead attempts to bring the story and the brilliant acting to the fore, and shows everything necessary and well done in the best of lights, along with the easily forgettable but effective shooting, come Shakira, yes, thats right, she performs brilliant and original music which super-imposes upon the the multiple layers of shining brilliance, and forms the most perfect and warming sheet of MDF ever, oh dear I'm good.

Of course, no film (accept 'The cottage') is perfect and as I have been criticized for having too positive reviews I will endeavor to bring to light some of its bad points; firstly: it is drawn out to an unknown, but possibly infinitely long run time (I didn't check the time, as in my hurry to get to the cinema, I forgot to take my phone, watch or underwear) The points, which were undoubtedly good, could have been put into a more rounded, shorter film, whereupon they would be easier to digest. Secondly there are some slight continuity errors involving the change of actors with age, which are hardly worth going into to; and on a tertiary note, this is not a film for the sort of people that would be sitting in the cinemas at [miscellaneous time] in the morning watching Spartans laugh at Britney Spears. However if you truly appreciate the modern art from that is Cinema then this film is for you, shame about the absence of Flamethrowers though...

Join me and my surpassing and godlike wit next issue whereupon I shall be reviewing, if not 'Meet the Spartans' (just to wonder at its crapiness)... a film, yeah I'm not sure as the Cineworld website is fucking me about and pretending to be hard like Quentin Tarantino (not that his films are bad, mind you, oh God please don't sue me.)

Rundown -

Shooting: 7

Characterization: 9

Soundtrack: 9

Plot: 8

Effects: 7

Variable field dependent on context and genre - not being a chick-flick: 10

Overall J-score: 7.5/10

If there is anything you would like little Johnny to know do not hesitate to email me at Johnny.neicho@sky.com (I'm, serious, why does nobody ever want to talk to me!?)

Stargate Tonight!

Happy Easter all?

Snowing in London, odd for march. Chocolate makes me feel sick. I bought Superbad on DVD and plan to watch it tonight. But that is not what excites me the most...

Stargate SG-1: The Ark of Truth is on Sky One tonight. Finally, the conclusion to the Ori plotline that I have been waiting over a year for. I cannot wait! Review imminent! Woooooooooooooot!

HL2: Ep2 - The End...

(Limited Spoilers and Speculation)

Turns out that after that bit with those striders and those hunters, and the magnusson devices, that was the last bit of shooting, leaving one of the best bits of Half Life, and some great storytelling from Valve.

I was in shock by that ending. I love Dog, he has saved my life so many times. I love the way Valve build relationships between charachters, and that made the final scenes all the more distressing. But, is it definite that, he who is dead, is dead? I believe he must be. I wish there was some way of hoping he was not, but that would be living in denial. I just wish we could have had an uninterupted talk, so I could have found out what he knew about the G-Man.

Now I have a very tough choice. What was the best bit of The Orange Box. This choice, I will have to avoid, because my feeble mind cannot comprehend the answer.

My predictions for Episode 3, we will travel, by helecopter, to the Borealis, and to rescue Julia. The whole principle of the Borealis confuses me. What were Apeture attempting to do again? Something with portals, if I recall, which could be very appetising to stranded combine forces. I predict it will be in snow, and underground, and on the Borealis for much of the game, there will be a reason why we cannot fulfil our promise to Eli and destroy it straight away. I dont think Gordon will get the Portal Gun, although I think it may be involved, the same for Glados. And, am I the only one dissapointed by the fact that we havent seen Barney in ages? And will Odessa Cubbage return?

My hopes for Half Life 3 are different. I like the principle of one full game, followed be expanion episodes, which was been sucessful with both HL and HL2. I dont think Valve will abandon Gordon, he and Alyx will probably be put into stasis, or Alyx will have gotten older, I pray that we do not lose her.

I hope Valve build an entire new generation engine, Source II, and add all manner of new things. This, I predict, will not come until 2011, at the earliest, with Half Life 3 following soon after.

The is only one thing I don't want. NEVER SHOW THE SEVEN-HOUR WAR! If George Lucas has taught me anything, it is that climatic, world-shattering battles are often best left unseen. I do not want to be a rebelious citizen during that war. Please dont be stupid valve.
I lve you too much for you to let me down.

Now I have nothing to do but replay Ravenholm for a year-or-so. Oh-well. It could be worse...

HL2: Ep2 - So Far...

(Limited Spoliers)

I have just done that bit of Half Life 2: Episode 2, that bit with those striders and those hunters.

Oh My God!

Valve have just created so many perfect moments, from the blind-tentacles and the marines in Half Life, to playing catch with Dog and Ravenholm in Half Life 2, to the Strider in Episode 1. They combine all these elements brilliantly in Ep 2. The fear of running from an unbeatable enemy, the vehicles, the gravity puzzles, the crouched-sneaking section, the Combine, the zombies, the section where you cannot touch the ground. Linking both drama and action, carrying each scene past bursting but keeping it feeling natural. I even cried at that opening bit with Alyx. And, argg! Hunters!

Valve have created the perfect game in Episode 2, and I have not finished yet. I am about 2/3 of the way through.

Oh My God!

(PS. "They Combine all these elements..." - best pun ever! I crack myself up!)

Your Opinion

I have just put up a rather nice football post on my personal blog. Do you guys want to hear sport related posts in bloghammer, or mainly films and videogames?

For those who want to see: http://thinkingddude.blogspot.com/

Answers needed in the comments below:

J-Film #7 - '10,000 BC'

oh dear , oh dear, oh dear. To be quite frank I am really not sure what to say, so out of blind hatred I will start with, urhhhm.. the plot, if you can call it that, it's more like America's national anthem, non-nonsensical and a lie, well thats not wholly true, you can understand it, but only if your willing to strain your body to the border of defecation, you give up on it in the first five minutes in a vague hope of it picking up at some point, I mean, its got Atlanteans in it, possibility for some really thought provoking ideas, involving aliens and ancient civilizations, but instead just sells out like Tom Cruises' 'War of the Worlds', on top of an overly freedom driven, ridiculous plot, that for some reason is in 10,000 BC this is yet another film which assumes that Neanderthals spoke like retarded half-formed BNP members, with myriad grunt-like sounds and top be perfectly honest, this sort of behavior isn't worth the above joke about the BNP.

Whence you realize that the film is going to be shit, about 2 microseconds in, you sort of expect it to have some cool monsters or a really big spaceship (See 'independence day') as is the way of most of the poor film, as a way of bringing themselves up from the level or the 8th deadly sin, '10,000 BC', however, does not bother, its monsters are comprised off: Fuck loads of mammoths, about 5 giant chickens and a God, yes a God. Not a very good one though, he looks sort of powerful and has a certain air about him, and you never see him until the end. Still, in some obscene breaching of the laws of cinema, they fucked this up as well, the God turns out to be... a geeza, just a normal geeza, wonderful. To complement this horror, they also build up several sub-plots which go nowhere, when the film distractedly and eventually ends.

On top of this already more than substantial butchery of a usually and increasingly solid art form, them music is ripped out of every feel good children's action film EVAR, and just undermines what little reserves of credibility left in this God-awful film, the shooting is so decidedly average, its impossible to comment on and it has some sort of sentient, friendly saber-tooth tiger, which does no end of bad and corrupts this childlike film about destroying the master-race. Ahh here we go, that was what i really wanted to talk about, a group of stupid, americanized, egotistical twats, take on the Atlantis!!! I mean What the Fuck, by the end they have killed a God (Fuck spoilers, you could guess the plot while dead and with several mental severe mental conditions) and set the technological advancement of the planet back 5,000 years, and by the time you realize this, all you want to do is shout at the screen "Are you happy you morons, are you really happy, you saved your push-up bra girlfriend?!"

Next issue I shall be reviewing, oh jesus there nothing decent on, oh god, it might have to be the new DR Seuss film, ahh fuck this I'm going on Jerry Springer... Take care of yourself and others.



Shooting: 3

Characterization:0

Soundtrack: 2

Plot: 0

Effects: 4

Variable field dependent on context and genre - Wasted Potential: 0

Overall J-score: UNGRADED/10

If there is anything you would like little Johnny to know or would like to subscribe to my mass mailing alert service do not hesitate to email me at Johnny.neicho@sky.com

Crysis review, by Sith(y)

Crysis.

 

The mere word makes the mind wander to islands, lush jungles, white beaches, and people to shoot. The mind is correct in thinking these things. Crysis is Crytek's second project, after Far Cry and its pitiful sequels. You play as Jake "Nomad," Dunn, an operative for the US Special Forces, as part of Raptor Team. Of course, you're not alone, silly. Why'd you think that?

 

Your team consists of yourself, your commander Prophet, your British mate Psycho, a Hispanic guy named Aztec, and Jester. Dunno where he's from, exactly, but assume they're all from America unless otherwise stated.

 

You probably already know that Crysis is basically the most hyped game this side of Deus Ex, but the hype is unfounded in some aspects of the game. Many features, such as the branching storyline, have been removed from the full game. Some have been changed, like the graphics (Toned down, though this can be corrected. Google Crysis Graphical Tweaks.), and the TAC bullet system, which became sleeper bullets that make your target pass out upon impact.

 

But, the game is still good. It has easily the best graphics and physics that I've seen in a game, trees snap where they're shot, buildings collapse from grenade blasts, and Koreans fly through the air merrily after being thrown by the neck. By you, naturally.

 

That's another thing, you're fighting North Koreans in this game. But, that is not all you're fighting. From the start of the game, you're exposed to many paranormal phenomena. Look around a lot while you're 'chuting to the island in the first part of the game, you'll see what tackles you and botches EVERY DAMN THING UP.

 

Gameplay is fun, yet similar to many other FPSes. Nomad (That's you.) is not your ordinary soldier, oh no, he is a KRYPTONIAN. Just kidding, he's actually part of the nanosuit prototype project, which outfits the best of the best with special exosuits. These give their bearer extraordinary powers.

 

You have four modes, strength, speed, armour, and cloak. Strength is the most fun, yet least used, of the modes. You can punch through walls and surprise a NK soldier as he pisses in an outhouse, then grab him by the neck and lob him through a tree. Also, you're able to perform super high jumps, and fire weapons with less recoil than normal in strength mode.

 

Speed is the second least-used, giving you, you guessed it, super speed. For a limited time, of course, but it's good for legging it after jumping in over your head, or as an alternative to the vehicles. NK soldiers recoil in shock if you super speed up to them, too. Which is fun.

 

Armour does what it says on the tin, being the most (Or second most, depending upon your playstyle) useful power. It basically uses up your suit's energy reserves to let bullets ping off your outer shell, like gnats biting a mule. Then your suit energy fails and you die, but it's fun while it lasts. Use liberally.

 

Cloak is the final, and second most useful power. It lets you blend in to your surroundings, hiding from the short-sighted enemies. Works well in combination with a bush, and prone mode, but your energy gets eaten up like fat-free pies in a weight loss meeting while you run in this mode. Use with caution.

 

Now, on to the weapons. The enemies in Crysis seem to be made of Kevlar, and are thus capable of absorbing 6 bullets to the FRICKING TORSO while they're FRICKING ASLEEP. Either that, or the guns are utter bollocks. The rifles are.. Rifles. SCAR ammo is SCARce (See what I did there?), so dump it for the NK rifle early on. The minigun is.. Fun. Shoot it while shouting "SO MUCH BLOOD!!!" and you get the full experience. The shotgun is rather useful in close-quarters combat, but is otherwise useless.

 

The gauss rifle is very useful in the latter parts of the game, as it eats aliens for breakfast, lunch, and tea. The precision rifle is bollocks. Just use the NK rifle with a sniper scope and laser sight thingy. The pistol is a pistol. What more can I say?

 

That's about it for guns, on to enemies. The enemies in Crysis are smart. They throw frag grenades, split up to hunt you down, and use turrets for suppressing fire. They're also lifelike if not alerted. They smoke, sleep, wash cars, lie down, piss, talk to each other, go on patrols, everything you could expect from a small military outpost.

 

I won't even mention the multiplayer. Much. It's utter shite, just don't play it.

 

The maps are generally huge in both SP and MP (Perhaps its only redeeming feature), covering enough space for a helicopter to take a while to traverse it. Helicopters are also bastards. Kill them whenever you think you can. Use missile launchers or jeep-mounted machine guns.

 

The vehicles are pitiful, exploding way too easily, taking tons of damage from small knocks, and other rather bad things. I quite liked piloting the VTOL, conversely, but the tank level was horrific. The only good thing about vehicles in Crysis is ramming them into small huts and watching them explode in a glorious display of physics, and shooting down helicopters without dying horribly.

 

The storyline is acceptable, of the average action film style. The ending left me wanting more, because it was a cliffhanger mainly, but it's going to be a trilogy of games anyway so let's hope Crysis 2 isn't gonna do another Halo on us.

 

The last boss was rather clichéd, involving an Independence Day-esque "Nuke in hole at the bottom of big ship," death. The level in the alien ship is confusing, though that's what it's meant to be since it's in zero-gravity, but the relief I felt when I finally got out of there was immense. The gooey aliens are tricky bastards by the way. Shoot them before they cotton on to you, or just evade them.

 

Last of all, perhaps the biggest turn-off out of Crysis. It eats computers for a mid-afternoon snack then heartily belches until a little bit of vomit comes up and it needs a drink of water. Sorry, that got a bit deep, but anyway, you need a very, very, very good system to run Crysis on high settings at a good FPS. Doesn't even look that great without a graphical tweak, anyway.

 

 

Once more, my review has ended. I'd give Crysis a score of 8/10. It looks magnificent with a graphical tweak, though we shouldn't need that, it plays well, though disappointed me due to its lack of some features Crytek showed in earlier videos. The MP is crap, so don't buy it for that. If you see Crysis and think your computer can run it, pick it up.

 

Sith

GeneRally, a free top down racing game

To compare GeneRally to real motorsport would be to compare TF2 to CSS. While the latter is focused on skill, tactics and accuracy the former is a distillation of the very elements of its subject matter- in TF2s case shooting things, in GeneRally's case racing things round tracks.

There is no shortage of things to race in GeneRally, with 12+ classes of car to race on an almost infinite number of tracks, thanks to GeneRally's devoted community and a very easy to use track builder, which uses 16 colour images to create tracks, meaning you can create them in any image editor you like.

Such a simple track editor is made possible by an equally simple graphics engine. Every car has 40 polygons and the game is played in a defiantly top down view, albeit one with some fairly nice touches, such as tyre marks remaining on the track for the duration of the race, marking out a line to take and cute little puffs of smoke from your car when it's damaged.

Yes, I said damage. Generally can become a surprisingly hardcore little racing simulator if you so desire, with tire wear, fuel and damage all modeled. You repair all of these with pit stops, opening up a whole new level of F1 style strategy. If you pit earlier than your opponent can you overtake him when he has to? Is it worth risking a lap running on vapour for the extra speed? (Fuel has a weight too) Such thoughts are constantly running through your head during a race and this strategic element makes generally incredibly compelling.

Of course such strategies are dependent on the level of your opponents who, like everything else in GeneRally, are customizable. You create your own AI drivers, setting their skill, name and car colours individually. I recreated the highlights of the 2007 F1 grid lineup to race against, which was a lot of fun. Of course you can also race against friends, which is even better due to the AI being quite aggressive, to put it mildly.

GeneRally is great fun, one of my favourite racing games in existence. You can pick up the latest version (alas, it is not being updated) at:

http://generally.rscsites.org/download.shtml

A fairly easy to use car editor can be found here:

http://www.generally.com.ar/

Forums full of likeminded fans, all beavering away making mods are here:

http://forum.rscnet.org/forumdisplay.php?f=199

J-Film #6 - 'The Cottage'

well, I am a bit lost for words to be perfectly honest, cinemas has hit a high point, this is quite possibly the best thing to happen to the universe since the wheel, this film my friends is perfect.

First of all, wait, hang on, there is no 'first' this is the greatest horo-com ever, its aspects blend into a melody so thick and juicy, Jesus would have trouble changing its composition, The shooting techniques are the best the civilized universe has ever or will have ever seen, the soundtrack fits like a glove to the brilliant, artistic gore blended with entirely side splitting comedy moments.

Thats it... What can I say, it the best film I have ever seen, ever, if you can find anything better I'll give you my legs;and if you don't like it I'll take your whole families... but thats beside the point. The point is, this film is made of pure win, there is nothing it doesn't do flawlessly, It has the most delectable mixed of horror and comedy, that mixes your emotion in such a manner, you are easily tripped between open laughter and jumping out your seat in laughter, if you don't see this, you will not have lived, is here a point of a rundown? There certainly no point in writing anymore, short and sweet, keeps it neat. I write all my reviews to match the films and this one is no different, pure artistic fun; nothing more and nothing less than pure perfection.

Next time ill probably be J-filming the most probably shit 10,000 BC or something or other, look forward to it whatever it is and SEE THIS FUCKING FILM! Oh and did i mention it's British?

Rundown -

Shooting: 10

Characterization: 10

Soundtrack: 10

Plot: 10

Effects: 10

Variable field dependent on context and genre - Horo-com mix: 10

Overall J-score: 10/10 J-FILM MUST SEE (fuck must see, this is more J-fucking must see)

If there is anything you would like little Johnny to know or would like to subscribe to my mass mailing alert service do not hesitate to email me at Johnny.neicho@sky.com

An ode to Grey

Congratulations Grey_Painter you won my the 'Fill J-snukk with Love' competition and as i promised I am now writing a review of you personality, be prepared to cry in admiration of yourself mate.

Now, Grey, you have been with us through allot, you have lurked within the chat-room for eons, and form the solid core of the PCG Steam Community, you are a myrmidon among gamers, leading an elite phalanx of our best and brightest. Just picture it, You carry the banner of our New World Order, you scream, enraged by the heretic legions of the stupid "CHARGE!" and we oblige I knock soldiers with the likes of Ains and Javaguy, and our solid legion of pure holiness and retribution, advances with holy fire burning in our eyes, and we the uber-men enslave all those who despise us...

Oh Sorry, almost turned into a hate rant there, anyways, back to reviewing you. You are great, from your amusingly dull story about painting Grey all the time, to you astounding taste in games, where you collection could only be considered an art gallery, I would imagine even the stacking of the DVD cases forms a kind of subtle art, you are better than God, better than nature. In truth you are not a 'grey' painter you are an octarine_painter, the very knowledge of you brings joy to our hearts, march on Grey, march on and crush the infidels!


Rundown -

Shooting: 10

Characterization: 10

Soundtrack: 10 (i'm hearing queen and foo fighters...)

Plot: 10

Effects: 10 (even tho they are all grey)

Variable field dependent on context and genre - Pure Lovlieness: 10

Overall J-score: 10/10 J-FILM MUST SEE

If there is anything you would like little Johnny to know or would like to subscribe to my mass mailing alert service do not hesitate to email me at Johnny.neicho@sky.com

Brian's Guide to...

Any of you who have read John Walkers wonderful blog will probably have read some of his "Brian's Guide to..." comics. They rule; so I made an attempt to make my own. I am not that good at Art. Infact, you could say I am terrible, but I like this. Please take a look. Please laugh. Please!

http://i274.photobucket.com/albums/jj280/ddude700/brianslightbulb-cropped.jpg

Two Worlds review.

It would be very easy for me to write a scathing review of Two Worlds, dismissing it as a lacklusture oblivion clone. To do so, however, would be to ignore its many charms and innovations that help make it an enjoyable 40 hour RPG, albeit a 40 hour RPG with a fair few issues. I may as well start by explaining these issues as your tolerance of them will pretty much determine whether you should buy the game.

The first of these flaws is apparent pretty much as soon as you begin: The combat is rubbish. Killing enemies is a matter of hammering the left mouse button as fast as you can and hoping you don't get hit. A block function is conspicuous by its absence, replaced by "dodge", which causes your character to hop backwards, avoiding an enemy attack. This function is, however, too cumbersome to use frequently and this gives rise to the tactic of heal killing. When you die in Two Worlds you respawn at a resurrection point, which also heals you if you go near it. These points are so plentiful that combat becomes a matter of luring the enemies to the point, where you will be constantly healed, and then mashing the left mouse button.

These healing points, however, also encapsulate what is good about Two Worlds. On all difficulty settings but "hard" your dying has no adverse affect on your character. He loses no experience, no items, nothing. It makes Two Worlds much more accessible than other RPGs, you won't be punished for getting yourself into tough situations, of which there are many thanks to the crazy agro system and fairly punishing difficulty that means you'll always be fighting/getting killed by 5 or more monsters at once. One of the more amusing tactics to deal with this is to run round and round so the six wolves, four bandits and two bears following you all hit each other and start fighting amongst themselves, allowing you to retreat and watch from a safe distance.

The surprising honesty with which combat is approached means that if you get in the way of a weapon you're going to get hit, no matter who it was intended for, the same applying to arrows. It all implies that there is a strong physics engine behind the game, as does the compulsory installation of the PhysX drivers. This, however seems sadly not to be true. While enemies do become ragdolls on death the rest of the world seems devoid of any physics at all, with objects glued to tables and characters/horses struggling to navigate the terrain.

The wide variety of issues certainly have the potential to be game running for some people and if you're expecting Two Worlds to be the next Oblivion you'll probably be disappointed. 'tis no matter though, for if you've got this far I'm going to assume you can live with the above and are ready to move on to what is so good about Two Worlds. The delicious apple pie (of +2 apples) after the bland casserole of problems above. Also: Yum, apple pie.

And yet, it's hard to pin down any one feature that makes Two Worlds so enjoyable, despite its flaws. The whole game just seems to have had a lot of love put into it, apparent by the manual that has 32 pages of general information about the world before it gets to how to play it. It's a lot more… personal than the like of Oblivion, which are often polished to the point of being soulless. It also has a lot more humour than other RPGS, whether intentional or not.

Another strong point of Two Worlds is the graphics. While the game suffers from an incredibly close draw distance for buildings it has some amazing vistas and dense foliage, with some of the nicest trees I’ve seen in any RPG. There are also some really nice weapon models, textured surprisingly intricately for a game that doesn’t demand that much from your PC.

Not only are Two Worlds’ weapons pretty- they are also very copious. Even at early levels you’re bombarded by a constant stream of new items, each shinier and with more skill modifiers and attributes than the last. It’s the most capitalistic RPG I know of and by level 10 your character will be decked out like a spoilt 22 year old after a London shopping trip, with rings on every finger, an inventory full of hats and shoes and a mind full of armour sets and where to find matching trousers for your chainmail top.

Of course such items are of little use unless you can show off to friends and Two Worlds has this covered with the option to play online multiplayer in standard deathmatches or the far more interesting “RPG” mode, where you create a persistent character and level him up by fighting foes and doing quests co-operatively by friends in slices of the world map. This mode is slightly let down by the WoWness of the quests, with objectives ranging from “kill these wild animals” to “find this mirror, which is guarded by wild animals” but it’s still a blast and capable of eating up hours of time, even with the lag inevitably introduced by only allowing listen servers.

So, yeah, Two Worlds really is a game of juxtapositions, like a Trabant: Eastern European, rubbish, yet still charming enough to draw loyal fans. You’ll either find yourself hating the game due to it’s flaws or loving it for the feeling love that has gone into everything, from the gently swaying trees to the way the grass becomes charred when fire spells hit it. So, this is for you, hardened RPG players, used to seeing a myriad of bugs infesting your latest purchase. However for those whose first introduction to the RPG world was Oblivion Two Worlds might not be the best choice. Try the demo first.

I give the game 75%. Flawed yet charming+2

Two Worlds

Two Worlds, a deeply flawed yet fairly engrossing RPG, is avaliable for not much more than a fiver on Steam this weekend. Its very much in the mould of oblivion boasting an open world and many quests to do. The average score on metacritic (69%) is fairly low due to its myriad of technical issues and LOLworthy voice acting but those willing to overlook such problems will find a decent 40 hours of fun.

It's a good deal for a fiver.

The game also includes an interesitng looking multiplayer mode, so if enough of us buy it we could have a go at that sometime.

J-Film #5 - 'Diary of the Dead'

'Oh deary me' was the idle thought that drifted through my mind upon departing the cinema last night and not because the film is bad, or indeed, anything less than superb, but because it was going to be hard to review. The reasons it is hard, is because the film is so great and does allot of things so well and subtly, it can be hard to find our, just what makes it good; but i shall try.

Anyway, 'Diary of the Dead' is the next, possibly last, film in George A. Romero's classic satirical zombie series, not following on from 'Land of the Dead' but parallel to the times of the original 'Night of the Living Dead' (possibly one of the most iconic films ever, if you have the original ending and not the fucking queer one, that is) however, as Mr. Romero likes to do he has set it in the modern day, for his satires strongly reflect the troubles and occurrences of the day, and i assure you none of his satire is lost.

throughout the film lots of satirical points are underlaid on the main zombie survival thriller, including humanity's need to document things (It is steady cam, but ill talk about that later) and his classic player, how the zombies are better than us. Those points are, if anything very obvious and practically said by the woman commentating the 'diary' and many more accompany it, but some of the most important satire i hid deep within the bowels of the film, its reflects New Orleans, yes, big disaster, people being raped and exploited by everyone, all the rich fuckers bugger off leaving the poor black minority populace to fend for themselves, creating a crisis zone, the government not helping at all, people blaming it on Immigration etc. Its all there including that fact that presidential coward George W. Bush was hiding in his mansion, just like the remaining cast are at a point during the film.

What is also great is how akin this is to 'Night of the Living Dead' and 'Dawn of the Dead especially' where as well as great satire, there are many comedic, laugh out loud moments, say I as remembering a deaf, mute Amish man who, as he throws a stick of dynamite at a huddle of encroaching 'Flesh Eaters', holds up a sign proclaiming him as 'Samuel' as bits of zombie fly casually and humorously over his head. So, its got the strong aura of satire, the typical apocalyptic humor and the brilliant slow shuffling, useless zombies, they are not dangerous at all if you know where they are, and thats just brilliantly reminiscent of that 'ooosome' scene in 'Night of the Living Dead' where the main female character just walks past all those zombies, with no danger to her whatsoever, they are not individually difficult to manage or dangerous,but they just wear you down with numbers, and with the stress they cause, they 'Zerglings', but apart from that the best description for them would be soviet Russian troops, theres just so many, so so many.

So, its an amazing and classic piece of George A. Romero cinema art, and just about the only American film that actually has an admirable British character in it. "But whats bad about it?" I hear you guffaw over the retaining wall i have built to separate myself from you zombies, well the 'Steady Cam', it isn't 'Steady Cam'. Now this may be for myriad reasons, such as, they are film students, who know how to use a camera and they have proper camera's not like Clover-Shit's hand-held, but this did get quite annoying, because it seemed not to be bale to decide whether it was 'SC' or not, now my dad liked it because he was never a fan of 'SC' in the first place, but i just don't think it was used in the correct manner, there weren't enough zombie jump moments as there could have been with a first person view from the camera man, angle, allot of missed potential there, I think. but if you don't like steady Cam, because it makes you dizzy or for any other reason, this fact will probably go down allot better with you.

Join me next issue, when hopefully It will be British 'Horocom' 'The Cottage' on the J-films elegant Marble table, hand carved by 67 million, naked, heaving virgins, oh and by the way 'Cloverfield' is shit.

Rundown -

Shooting: 6

Characterization: 7

Soundtrack: 8

Plot: 9

Effects: 7

Variable field dependent on context and genre - Satire and Humor: 9

Overall J-score: 8.5/10 J-FILM MUST SEE

If there is anything you would like little Johnny to know or would like to subscribe to my mass mailing alert service do not hesitate to email me at Johnny.neicho@sky.com

The Problem of Phones

I was in an awkward situation today. There I am standing on a crowded bus, and this large, middle-aged bloke suddeny yelled into my face if I wanted to "ave a beer this even'n".

I responded that I had a prior engagment, politely turning him down, only for him to give me a threatening look. He followed this up with an, even louder, "Are you bein' funny?!"

It was at this stage that I realised he was yelling into those headsets that people use, connected to their modile phones, and then sureptitiously tucked into their collars. I was, of course relived, and slightly embarassed. This embarassment was made worse by the fact that I was stuck less than a foot away from him the next half hour.

So, in an attempt to make this game related... hmmmm... I don't even see if that is possable...

Oh! yes!

In GTA IV we are all going to be given mobile phones to runa round with. We had one in San Andreas I believe, but these will be more important, being used for much more that just recieving calls. Is this a good thing? Who can tell...

Jsnuk’s weird philosophy- English edition

Javaguy is great.

Man is an animal but has raised itself above those instincts.

We tend to fall back to war if we can't achieve things peacefully [reverting back to animal instincts]

Bible quotes maek me loock clevars

The day when we stop developing new techs is the day when we all nuke each other. Er, sure.

Why were we made? Dunno.

Lets fix global warming kids!

Lets make a SUPER NATION OF +2 SUPERNESS

Lets go to space and be in star trek. I like star trek.

We're all doomed so we should give up. (on what?)

Lets kill god coz he's nature and is MEEN TO US. (!!!!)

So lets kill nature too. (As if nature was anything other than abstract, snukky)

I'm going to put a score here for the lols.

 

The Javaguy Philosophy:

Javaguy is great.

We're all animals with those basic instincts. Always will be. War will always exist, but never mind.

Technology and war are independent of each other. The pursuit of tech doesn't distract us from war, our higher instincts do.

World is fine as it is.

Nature is always here, always will be too. It is infinitely more powerful than us, it's up to us, as animals, to adapt to it.

I give this article 34%

 

 

CoD4 review, Sith

Call of Duty 4.

This is the fourth episode of the pretty highly-acclaimed Call of Duty series. Well, it's not the fourth REALLY, but it's called 4 so let's just run with it. You play as either an operative in the S.A.S, or the USMC (US Marine Corps, I believe.), called Soap McTavish (Wut?) or Paul Jackson respectively.

The single player consists of the tried, and tested formula of “Go somewhere, shoot baddies, finish mission.” Don't get me wrong, it's a good formula. As you may have noticed from the subtitle “Modern Warfare,” this isn't set in the usual World War 2 theme of previous Call of Duties. Instead, it's set in the modern world. Of course, nukes are involved in the plot, but I won't give away more than that.

The missions take place mainly in Russia, and an unnamed country in “THE MIDDLE EAST,” the S.A.S, and USMC taking missions in each respectively, though both team up for the last few missions. I really, truly, loved the graphics in Call of Duty 4. The game looked beautiful, though little better than CoD 2 (That was pretty too, so no real loss.). Some of the missions generated tension, the sniper one in particular. I won't spoil it, but it's certainly something you've probably not done anywhere else.

The game play in general is fun, with the new additions of more secondary grenades (CSS fans rejoice, flash and stun grenades have arrived.), and the new bullet penetration mechanics. Popping someone when he thinks he's safe behind cover is satisfying.

A little note, perhaps of little use and interest, is that the old “Hit in face with gun,” melee system has gone away. Now you get a shiny, new, combat knife. That was just filler, really, but who the hell cares?

Onward, then. The game was pretty damn short, I finished it within the first few days of possession, took probably less than 8 hours in total, so it's a good time sink. You've got your mandatory pick up hidden items unlockables, including an arcade mode and slow-motion.

The game ends very abruptly, in the middle of a heated gunfight, which may catch some by surprise. The real gem here, though, is the multi player. I'll come to that in a second, but I've got to finish my three-lines-minimum paragraphs. Right, done.

OK, multi player. You probably already know this, but Call of Duty is renown for its MP. This is no different. There are your bog-standard death match, and team death match game modes, involving shooting people in the face, mainly, and your CSS-stolen (Sorry, borrowed), bomb planting missions. And some bollocks called headquarters, but I haven't tried that yet.

All of the game modes can further be modified by adding “Hardcore mode.” Hardcore mode basically makes stuff... Hardcore, really. You lose your cross hairs, HUD, and map (Other than when there's a UAV on-line for your team. I'll get back to UAVs in a moment.

MP is very populated, thousands of servers on-line at a time, though not all with people on. Most of the mechanics from single player are still in MP (Actually, all of them might be.), so there's no missing out here. Also, you can throw back grenades both in MP and SP. Just thought you'd like to know.

CoD4 has taken a leaf from Battlefield 2, and introduced a ranks, and unlocks system. There are 55 ranks to rise through, and at least a dozen guns to unlock, each with some add-ons as well. Including a Desert Eagle. Yay. Anyway, there are also perks to unlock. These perks are basically bonuses for your character.

Say, for example, I want a high-health assault character, with lots of grenades and the ability to shoot more accurately. I just pick the “More frag grenades,” perk, the “Juggernaut” (More health) perk, and the accuracy perk. Then, nab an assault rifle (May I recommend the M4, once you unlock it?), and a side arm in the create a class screen on the main menu. Job done.

The ranks are pretty easy to rise through, and you have the help of challenges. Challenges are like achievements in Team Fortress 2. You do certain things like, for example, kill 25 people with your AK 47, and you get experience towards your next rank-up, and maybe a new weapon attachment. These range from grips for shotguns, to silencers and scopes for assault rifles. Funnily, you can't have a silencer and a scope at once, but that's a little thing really.

Finally, the support powers. There are three support powers, gained by getting kill streaks. The UAV, which reveals all of the enemy troops on the map without the UAV jammer perk, as red dots on your map is earned for killing 3 people in one life. Air strikes, which are self-explanatory, are earned from downing 5 in one life.

Finally, the big daddy, helicopter support. You get helicopter support from 7 kills in one life, and it is really rather good. Helicopters can shred any infantry unlucky enough to be caught in its fire into small ribbons of meat, though it's vulnerable to heavy machine guns (Like the SAW), and RPG s. The bastard RPG s are hard to aim though, so you'd be better with a gun.

So, that's that then I suppose. I'd give CoD4 a 9/10 in total. It plays well, looks good, lots of shooting, lots of explosions, good multi player, good single player. If you like first person shooters, you will really love this.

Sith