Friday, May 30, 2008

J-Film #12- 'Indianna Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull'

Here it is, the review of the film you have all been waiting for! And yes, this is another case of the review being a lot more entertaining and having a lot more characterization than the actual film. I'm sorry, I know you all like Indy and I do too, but this film was just bland, and worse, it was more of a cheap, pikey copy of Tomb Raider than an Indy flick. The reason I haven't reviewed the film before today is one involving a cougar, a tank and a washing machine...only joking. I wanted to see the new film in juxtaposition with 'The Last Crusade', so I could get a better feel of what was missing; and here are the sad, ominous and foul smelling results.

You all remember that famous moment when our most loved protagonist shot that martial artist in 'Raiders of the Lost Ark', how he would continually outsmart his enemy? Whenever he did something particularly stunning, it was usually by accident, and you got the general impression that he was more of a thinker thrust into these situations than a male Tomb Raider? Well, Steven Spielberg hasn't.

There could be many explanations of this, ranging from the abduction and murder of Spielberg by the separatist forces or the 'Order of the Cruciformed Sword', through to dementia (or possibly mania, if he was playing Oblivion); but upon closer inspection it becomes apparent to me that he was just trying to revamp the film for more modern cinemagoers. Particularly the ones who just went to see the film so they could fondle their girlfriend while their dad campaigns for the BNP.

It is rather ironic to see Harris-old Ford become younger and younger throughout the film and cope with pain and his hard wearing situation better than he did in previous films, including surviving a Manhattan project nuclear bomb in a fridge. Ok, so that didn't make much sense, but shut up, I'm tired. Just read it, ok?

I will not endeavor to tell you much about the technical aspects of the film, as they aren't really the point of focus here, but as the film carries on the cinematography gets much worse. The soundtrack was alright and there is some early film recurring joke about CGI gophers (this is not the fucking Incredibles, get rid of the CGI you twats and shoot the motherfucking gophers!). Theres also a cringe worthy moment involving CGI monkeys (you'll know it when you see it) and millions of man-eating ants for no apparent reason.

I'm not trying to say the film is bad, and by all means as its own film it's above average, but following up a great and iconic trilogy, its effectively as bad as 'Cloverfield' having a threesome with '10,000BC' and the third Matrix.

By all means go and see it, but if you don't expect much I'm sure it'll be a lot better. Frankly, though, you'd probably be better off going to see 'Cassandra's Dream', as that is fucking EPIC. J-snukk out.

Rundown -

Shooting: 7

Characterisation: 5

Soundtrack: 7

Plot: 8

Effects: 4

Variable field dependent on context and genre - CGI fucking gopher and monkey clusterfuck: -107

Overall J-score: 5/10

If there is anything you would like little Johnny to know do not hesitate to email me at Johnny.neicho@sky.com Johnny.neicho@sky.com> (Seriously, if you read this and reply to me via E-mail within 2 days I will give you my Age of Conan drinking cape and war mammoth (free items with special editions))

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

A huge nothing..

Exams. Nothing happening. Sins of a Solar Empire will be bought soon. Indiana Jones will be watched. 'Till then, it is those damn exams I need to focus on.

Monday, May 19, 2008

Reflections on the TF2 Update

Frankly, that was a bit dissapointing. I must admit, my hopes where ludicrously high. After leaving it a few weeks to see how things settle, it is time to reflect. The truth is, that instead of rekindling my love for Team Fortress, the update stopped me playing for a while, what with everyone wanting to play one map the whole time, and far too many medics about the place.

That map was the main new bonus, for it is far better than Badlands. The idea of safe-guarding a cart to the end of a map I love. It leads to some very tense endings, as the cart will almost always almost reach its destination, which happens to be just next the the enemy spawn. This is a stroke of genius, which leads to some great momemts, some great impossable defences. The problem is that many people have not yet adjusted to it, which massivly overpowers some classes, like the demoman; one the other hand this is also the greatest thing about this new map, this new mode. It is new. I like it. It is a good new. It is just annoying that it seems to be the map most servers (that I like) are running most of the time.

The truth is the new achievements annoy me. I am not a fan of achievements, having watched my brother grind hours of Pro Evo on the lowest difficulty in order for points on his 360, I now see people playing on special servers to grind out the new weapons. "Meh," is my only reply, and to follow it with launching a personal tirade as some brilliantly worded inner-monologue, for their focus and dedication should reward them, while my desire to just play the game is unlikely to yield results.

The new Weapons suck. Sadly, I don't speak from experience, but I have it on reputable authority and having seen t9ohers about the place with them. I have only got he first, and it has made almost no difference to me. A bit of health with every needle gun hit, but no crits? I need crits. The others, I dont even really know if they exist, I dont see them in agme much, and have all nbut put them from my mind. It does seem interesting the possibilities for the other classes, but valve seem determined to only make very minor changes, at the expense of something cool.

Meet the Scout was quite a nice video. I liked it, but I didn't love it. Meet the Engy made me want a turret, Meet the Demo caused me to sink hours into that class. Meet the Scout made me chuckle and move on.

This new update has royally annoyed many. I am just dissapointed. Having waited months for this to come out, it was frankly average. Ho-hum.

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Iron Man - Review

So, Iron Man is finally out, and the review is finally here. I don’t know if you can remember my thoughts on the Iron Man trailer, all the way back in February, but I made a few crucial points back then, a few things I felt Iron Man needed to avoid. My first point was to keep the origin story plotline to a minimum. The second suggestion was to make the villain interesting and therefore the resulting conflict dramatic.

Iron Man failed to heed either of these suggestions. It is all origin story, and the conflict between hero and villain is disengaging for the audience to the extent that we really just don’t care at all. The villain is terrible, and the actual heroic of Iron Man are kept to a minimum. All he does is deal with his own self-important morality crisis and then defend his own life. He does not even get a kitten out of a tree once. He is really not mush of a “hero”.

The good news is that Iron Man is still awesome.

And I claim that is because of my third point: make a hero who is both super-strong and still super relatable. This is based upon one key principle, Robert Downey Jr.

The casting as a whole is superb, Gwyneth Paltrow and Jeff Bridges do good jobs at supporting the tone of the film, even if their characters are a bit flat. Special kudos must go to Robert Downey Jr, who turns a potentially disastrous character into a watchable, relatable hero. His delivery is perfect, he carries scenes on his own.

He is perfectly supported by the effects work. Iron Man truly looks like he is flying. He truly looks like he can do what he does, and the division between computer effects and a man in a suit are brilliantly done.

Unless, that is, you decide to pay real close attention. Under scrutiny, you can see some flaws. My advice, don’t watch properly. Just let it float on over you. One good point I should add is that Iron Man does a good job of showing the audience what is going on, something becoming rare in a post-Bourne world. Yes, Transformers, I am looking at you.

Iron Man stays away from the traditional love story that most superheroes films focus on. Iron Man also stays away from the traditional Bad-Guy-needs-to-be-stopped-from-doing-evil story that typifies the genre. There is not even a natural disaster on an accident that needs to be averted. There is a small amount of love, and there is a small amount of evil that only serves to make the last half hour of the film quite disappointing.

What Iron Man does do is split itself neatly into three segments. In the first, the main character, Tony Stark, is captured by terrorists who want him to build them a superweapon, and he embarks on a plan to escape. After these first 40 minutes (exactly), the second period is spent with Stark working out the mechanics of building a working suit. The final fragment involves Stark using his new suit to try and stop another suit inhabited by the oh-so-obviously evil baddy. This division works well, but it does give the impression that you are watching three short films, that are only loosely interconnected. There is no feeling of true continuity to the feel and tone of the film. And then the film ends just when it has found it’s feet.

Making matters worse is the pathetic predictability of the whole film. Every scene plays out almost exactly as you would suspect. This is a traditional superhero film. It is quite well done, but if you are not a fan of the genre this will not be the film to convert you.

This brings me to my main point. The morality of the film is questionable, the view of death and of violence I found disturbing. I know I shouldn't find a popcorn film like this troubling in any way, but the choice to place much of the film in the middle-east, with terrorists, did not sit well with me, personally.

Nonetheless, Iron Man is brilliant for what it is. It is well made, well acted, and the action is well done. But that is all it is. "well" sums up all aspects of this film. I left the cinema feeling content, but the more I thought about what I had seen the less impressed I was.

What pissed me off most was the feeling that I had just waited months to see the beginning of a story. Iron Man is setting up a sequel, and I hate it for this, because as soon as Iron Man is ready to go, we stop.

Ironically, this may read like a bad review, but Iron Man is actually quite enjoyable. I would recommend going to see it. Luckily for you, you already know, for sure, if you want to see Iron Man or not. It is so formulaic and so traditional. My first impression was that it was awesome. It is awesome. It is just not as awesome as I had hoped. But then, I was hoping for it to be the best thing ever.

I am not too happy with this review. J-Snukk put so much pressure on me, and I don’t think I did the film justice. It is, actually really good. I am just bitter, because it falls for every trap I hoped it would be smart enough to avoid. That aside, Robert Downey Jr portrays the best main character in a superhero film, and the film is an enjoyable way to pass a few hours. And from this point on, I will build up in my own heart the hype for the nest film.

In three words? Predictable. Anti-climatic. Formulaic.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Bricked Xbox, unfinished GTA IV and Apathy

Now I was very surprised this evening for 6 distinct reasons, i shall now go through all of them in chronological order:

1) the evil that is RRoD chose today to bite me on the arse

2) I haven't finished GTA IV, and now i cant

3) I went onto steam, declared the RRoD rather dramatically and nobody noticed, apart from plec

4)I then banned somebody who was saying "no u!" for some reason to various comments before popping a your mum joke, completely out of context or decency, did i mention he was a guest?

5) People seemed effectuated (I hope spell check chose the write word there, and no, this is a not a time to mock my spelling) with this little cretin

6)I was then thoroughly subjected to sever amounts of 'flame' as if I was to expect a random guest saying very random, clealry irritating things wasn't in fact just what he was

I think three simple letters can sum this up W T F.

Curse you God, just cos I'm an atheist it doesn't mean you have to fucking shit on my head! (irony and hypocrisy in one there?)

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Much to my dismay...

As I sign into google and glance upon our fair bloghammer, I see that DDude plans to write and 'Iron Man' review, now i have been inactive for a couple of weeks mainly due to a lack of fulfillment in my life (which i have now started to ignore) but you see now I'm back, and i saw an advance showing of the incredibly good 'Iron Man' on Thursday I thought i might write a review of it. I forgot. I now remember, but my plans are foiled, Dam you DDude, you may have this review as in all fairness you did get their first, and it would be spiteful of me to post now. I suppose it gives me a break until Friday though (as nothing else but Iron Man came out this week)

But Mr. Ian Dawson I got bagsies on 'The Dark Knight' 'The Incredible Hulk' and the newest 'Indiana Jones' BE WARNED, BE VERY WARNED.

the ideas expressed in this rant are the opinions of God himself

Monday, May 5, 2008

Warning!

Iron Man review incoming!

All I have to do is see it first!

I am very excited!