J-Film #12- 'Indianna Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull'

Here it is, the review of the film you have all been waiting for! And yes, this is another case of the review being a lot more entertaining and having a lot more characterization than the actual film. I'm sorry, I know you all like Indy and I do too, but this film was just bland, and worse, it was more of a cheap, pikey copy of Tomb Raider than an Indy flick. The reason I haven't reviewed the film before today is one involving a cougar, a tank and a washing machine...only joking. I wanted to see the new film in juxtaposition with 'The Last Crusade', so I could get a better feel of what was missing; and here are the sad, ominous and foul smelling results.

You all remember that famous moment when our most loved protagonist shot that martial artist in 'Raiders of the Lost Ark', how he would continually outsmart his enemy? Whenever he did something particularly stunning, it was usually by accident, and you got the general impression that he was more of a thinker thrust into these situations than a male Tomb Raider? Well, Steven Spielberg hasn't.

There could be many explanations of this, ranging from the abduction and murder of Spielberg by the separatist forces or the 'Order of the Cruciformed Sword', through to dementia (or possibly mania, if he was playing Oblivion); but upon closer inspection it becomes apparent to me that he was just trying to revamp the film for more modern cinemagoers. Particularly the ones who just went to see the film so they could fondle their girlfriend while their dad campaigns for the BNP.

It is rather ironic to see Harris-old Ford become younger and younger throughout the film and cope with pain and his hard wearing situation better than he did in previous films, including surviving a Manhattan project nuclear bomb in a fridge. Ok, so that didn't make much sense, but shut up, I'm tired. Just read it, ok?

I will not endeavor to tell you much about the technical aspects of the film, as they aren't really the point of focus here, but as the film carries on the cinematography gets much worse. The soundtrack was alright and there is some early film recurring joke about CGI gophers (this is not the fucking Incredibles, get rid of the CGI you twats and shoot the motherfucking gophers!). Theres also a cringe worthy moment involving CGI monkeys (you'll know it when you see it) and millions of man-eating ants for no apparent reason.

I'm not trying to say the film is bad, and by all means as its own film it's above average, but following up a great and iconic trilogy, its effectively as bad as 'Cloverfield' having a threesome with '10,000BC' and the third Matrix.

By all means go and see it, but if you don't expect much I'm sure it'll be a lot better. Frankly, though, you'd probably be better off going to see 'Cassandra's Dream', as that is fucking EPIC. J-snukk out.

Rundown -

Shooting: 7

Characterisation: 5

Soundtrack: 7

Plot: 8

Effects: 4

Variable field dependent on context and genre - CGI fucking gopher and monkey clusterfuck: -107

Overall J-score: 5/10

If there is anything you would like little Johnny to know do not hesitate to email me at Johnny.neicho@sky.com Johnny.neicho@sky.com> (Seriously, if you read this and reply to me via E-mail within 2 days I will give you my Age of Conan drinking cape and war mammoth (free items with special editions))