J-Film #7 - '10,000 BC'

oh dear , oh dear, oh dear. To be quite frank I am really not sure what to say, so out of blind hatred I will start with, urhhhm.. the plot, if you can call it that, it's more like America's national anthem, non-nonsensical and a lie, well thats not wholly true, you can understand it, but only if your willing to strain your body to the border of defecation, you give up on it in the first five minutes in a vague hope of it picking up at some point, I mean, its got Atlanteans in it, possibility for some really thought provoking ideas, involving aliens and ancient civilizations, but instead just sells out like Tom Cruises' 'War of the Worlds', on top of an overly freedom driven, ridiculous plot, that for some reason is in 10,000 BC this is yet another film which assumes that Neanderthals spoke like retarded half-formed BNP members, with myriad grunt-like sounds and top be perfectly honest, this sort of behavior isn't worth the above joke about the BNP.

Whence you realize that the film is going to be shit, about 2 microseconds in, you sort of expect it to have some cool monsters or a really big spaceship (See 'independence day') as is the way of most of the poor film, as a way of bringing themselves up from the level or the 8th deadly sin, '10,000 BC', however, does not bother, its monsters are comprised off: Fuck loads of mammoths, about 5 giant chickens and a God, yes a God. Not a very good one though, he looks sort of powerful and has a certain air about him, and you never see him until the end. Still, in some obscene breaching of the laws of cinema, they fucked this up as well, the God turns out to be... a geeza, just a normal geeza, wonderful. To complement this horror, they also build up several sub-plots which go nowhere, when the film distractedly and eventually ends.

On top of this already more than substantial butchery of a usually and increasingly solid art form, them music is ripped out of every feel good children's action film EVAR, and just undermines what little reserves of credibility left in this God-awful film, the shooting is so decidedly average, its impossible to comment on and it has some sort of sentient, friendly saber-tooth tiger, which does no end of bad and corrupts this childlike film about destroying the master-race. Ahh here we go, that was what i really wanted to talk about, a group of stupid, americanized, egotistical twats, take on the Atlantis!!! I mean What the Fuck, by the end they have killed a God (Fuck spoilers, you could guess the plot while dead and with several mental severe mental conditions) and set the technological advancement of the planet back 5,000 years, and by the time you realize this, all you want to do is shout at the screen "Are you happy you morons, are you really happy, you saved your push-up bra girlfriend?!"

Next issue I shall be reviewing, oh jesus there nothing decent on, oh god, it might have to be the new DR Seuss film, ahh fuck this I'm going on Jerry Springer... Take care of yourself and others.



Shooting: 3

Characterization:0

Soundtrack: 2

Plot: 0

Effects: 4

Variable field dependent on context and genre - Wasted Potential: 0

Overall J-score: UNGRADED/10

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