Saturday, March 29, 2008

J-Film #9 - 'Drillbit Taylor'

There’s a lot of difference between a mediocre family comedy and a good family comedy, on one hand you have a great deal of inoffensive content, that was not designed to offend or amuse anyone, on the other hand you have slightly less in-offensive comedy, with some genuinely funny moments. This is What Drillbit Taylor is, however its not strictly family comedy, as its co-created by that geeza who made ‘knocked-up’ and ‘super bad’ and the elements he provides are clearly visible and even though its not nearly as offensive (or, funny really) as ‘Super Bad’ the characters are of the same breed and a lot of the subtler comedy is very much akin to the two great comedies mentioned above.

“So, basically, you’re saying it’s Super Bad for people of the younger persuasion, then Professor Neicho?” I hear you scream at me from your assorted places of residence (notice I didn’t insult you this time.) However you would be slightly misguided in this assumption, while it’s clearly go the aforementioned influences to its comedy and very nature, apart from the obvious family orientated feel, there’s some subtle differences.

You can’t quite put your finger on it at first, but it will soon begin to dawn on you. There are two things that the other co-creator brings - both of which I could have done without to be honest – firstly, over-Americanization (lets play count the times they say “HURRAH”) and secondly, and ordered story, un-like ‘super bad’ and ‘knocked up’ the story-line is pretty much easy to guess, you know whereabouts its going to end, how its going to start and what’s going to happened in-between.

Although, there is a debate about this, some may argue, as it is aimed at a younger audience, they need the familiarity of a more ordered comedy, where they know when the laughs are coming and are not surprised, scientist’s have proved (taking for granted the universe exists of course) that children react better to familiarity. Thus, however, us adolescents (the intelligent ones, at least) or adults, require more surprises to bring humour to the fore-front of our emotional pallet.

This aside however , the film is really quite funny, nothing special, nothing un-expected but very fun, with general laugh worthy moments throughout, although its not the best comedy you will ever see, nor is it the worst. You will enjoy watching this film, whether with your kids (pffffffff hahaha) or with your wife (OMGWTFLOL) or your dad (just right) this is a strong piece of modern comedy cinema, and if you have money to burn, are bored or have a Cineworld unlimited card, you wont want to miss ‘Drillbit Taylor’ especially in such a poor fortnight for films.

And now for something completely different. Just a notice, that I have permission from the Mighty Java to host a weekly J-film quiz, and although there wont be one this week as unfortunately I have to go on holiday with my family, you can all look forward to it when I get back, whereupon after the first one a date shall be decided upon which they shall more regularly be held. The quiz will be aimed at very iconic movies and modern films so don’t worry about any ‘J-ponce’ exclusive films from the 1670’s!

Next issue I shall most probably be reviewing, oh I don’t know, the Cineworld site is still royally fucked, so it looks like ‘Funny Games’ which seems set to be a delightful, Horire (Horror Satire) and is another 18, so don’t say I don’t do anything for you guys.

Rundown -

Shooting: 7

Characterization: 7

Soundtrack: 6

Plot: 7

Effects: 4

Variable field dependent on context and genre - Similarity to Super Bad: 4

Overall J-score: 6.5/10

If there is anything you would like little Johnny to know do not hesitate to email me at Johnny.neicho@sky.com (Still No E-mails, dammit!)



Stargate SG-1: The Ark of Truth

Sorry this review is a few days late. I have been working on it, wanting to get it just right. As such, I hope you like it, and agree with me. I also hope, like all good reviewers, I have, somewhere, delivered a point that you would not have seen otherwise. Please leave any comments below; they make my day, even if they are just to say hi.

I love Stargate. It is not perfect, I will admit. It is prone to errors in judgement, and often suffers from bad episodes. Nonetheless, ever since the revamp, with the new Ori storyline, and the new characters, things have been very good.

For those who don’t know, Stargate SG-1 was good, not so great, great, crap, and then brilliant, more-or-less in that order, over 10 seasons and 214 episodes. It's time on TV over, even with a successful spin-off Atlantis, the makers of Stargate had still not finished their story, and they decided that their best plan was to create a dvd-movie to finish this off, and so this new incarnation revolves around that crusade in the name of evil gods that we were in the middle of when the TV show ended. This was shown, as a two-hour special on Sky One, this Easter just past. It is know as:

Stargate SG-1: The Ark of Truth.

Of course, in true SG-1 style, this is all about our heroes chasing a McGuffin with which to save the world, here by convincing all the followers of the false gods the Ori, that they are indeed false gods, and their crusade against all unbelievers is immoral. This is the titular “Ark” that will show them “Truth”. As it is, this is a great plotline, which does of course develop with many twists and turns. It is also problematic, because it alienates new viewers by being very much the conclusion to a story that some of us will be very familiar with, more so than others. If you have not watched SG-1 before, while this is a good showcase of what Stargate is, but I would recommend starting elsewhere, for much of it will not make sense. If you have been watching SG-1, this is the story that you have been waiting for.

This is because this is awesome, a true finale to the Ori plotline. It keeps a large amount of the humour that typifies the show, with self referential nods and jokes at science fiction staples, whilst keeping many of the things that have run throughout the show intact. The effects work is top notch, but not overused, and the tension builds in junction with the dual plots, which are well interwoven, timed and acted, especially because the relationships between the characters are brilliant. They fact that I have been waiting for this for so long does not hinder the end product, it fulfils everything that you could want the finale to do. It ties up the loose ends without closing the book entirely, or destroying many of the themes that are part of SG-1 lore, as many series finales tend to do, with Buffy and Serenity springing immediately to mind as key culprits.

The fact that there are bad points does not detract from the overall awesomeness of the entertainment, and they all draw from one point. Stargate is much better at creating plotlines, and setting up events than it is at finishing them off. The best episodes of Stargate always end as a set up something that will come later, or are entirely unrelated to the grander plot. Episodes that are finales, in every sense of the word, are always underplaying their potential; it is imposable for them not to. That is why the series did not tie up the loose ends, because that it not what Stargate is best at. The set up, the drama, is best before the end, and as such this is not a movie I would rewatch again and again. Once I have seen it once I am happy.

Importantly, the inclusion of the IOA and their plan is a masterstroke of a decision, which those who have seen this will understand, for it is amazing, even if it breaks SG-cannon slightly, it still works, and it really does make the film, even if it does slightly marginalise the huge crusade that is destroying our galaxy.

But there are some problems. Firstly, the extra money seems to have been given straight to the cameramen, who have spent all their time panning around characters, wobbly-cam at the ready, zooming in on every face in a very overdone style. Secondly, because this film cannot realise all of its enormous potential, some of the set-pieces are sacrificed.

An example, which is a spoiler, but one that does not matter in the slightest, a massive evil fleet approaches Earth. Instead of a huge-battle-where-Earth-fights-aggressors-and-is-saved-at-the-last-moment, the film leaves this alone, and focuses elsewhere. This set-piece is not realised, and this is repeated as the same for many other scenes. There is no time for the slower moments when everything conversation must either start “remember the time when…” and serve as exposition, or “our only hope is to…” and ramp up the tension. This cannot live up to expectations because it has to do so much. And yet, it still does. It matched my expectations, it is a magnificent finale, exactly what the series, and the fans, deserve.

The fact that this is a movie, that it comes over a year after the series ended and has to tie up all the loose ends, is problematic. It means that, not only do we need closure on a long-standing issue, but we need to be reminded of what that issue was. Who characters are, what they have done, why they need to be stopped or helped, an audience needs to be reminded of this, and only then can the answer be given. This is a very time consuming process, which does at some points drag away the tension.

Most of all, there is one problem with Stargate which always comes to mind, and may be more of a criticism in general than a particular fault of this film. It is especially apparent after watching Battlestar Galactica. SG-1 always approach a big issue, a controversial one, that has no “correct” moral answer, but instead of challenging our perceptions, as in BSG, they back away hurriedly and avoid the issue like the bubonic plague. For example, here it is the nature of religion, which they avoid, and the nature of fanatical interpretation of sacred texts, which they also avoid. I also find it morally questionable that they have, in the previous season, wiped out an entire race of beings, in if they are evil false gods, with another McGuffin, in an act of genocide, and seem quite proud of their actions. Fine, they saved humanity by doing so, but I would like it if a few of the characters approached the issue head on, and tackled it as it should be. Naturally, if you didn’t spot any of this, it if because it is only alluded to. I understand the reasons the writers avoid these debates, of how they could corrupt the tone of the piece, but it annoying the way in which they always pull away from, what I feel, could be the most interesting of punches, and the hollow feeling it leaves some aspects of the show.

To conclude, this is a brilliant movie of Stargate. The tension is high, without compromising the characters and their interactions with each other. This is exactly what I had hoped for, even if it does suffer from the long-standing problems that Stargate has always suffered from, and that concluding a long story is always hard. This cannot be as fulfilling as when the writers are developing a story to be finished later, but this is still a brilliant finish to the Ori plot, it does everything you could want of it, and does it well. However, I do not know how much enjoyment anyone who is not a full Stargate fan will be able to gain from this. I love Stargate, and was paying attention to all that happened in the last two years. If you didn’t watch those, chances are you will be left feeling unconnected to the plotline here, as more time is spent of reminding the audience of what is past than of developing the characters, something unnecessary for a full television series, but that may have been appreciated by new-comers to the move.

Bring on Continuum, the second film due in early summer, a more self-contained movie, a time-travelling adventure featuring Jack O’Neil!

If Ark of Truth is just the first example, it bodes very well for things to come.

Friday, March 28, 2008

Stargate Review Tommorow!

Just finished writing the Stargate SG-1: Ark of Truth review.

I want to proof read it in the moring, to ensure that I was not talking crap, and then it will be online.

This is my first, real review. I am exited. Are you?

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

J-Film #8 - 'Love in the Time of Cholera'

Theres allot to be covered in this issue of J-film. This films is rather nice as it happens and thus as you can probably tell by the title is a love film, which to be good of-course requires it also be deep and thought provoking. Well, here I am required to say in-fact this is not a petty chick-flick about love - as i have already shown by calling it deep and thought provoking - It carries some brilliant and subtle under and over-tones about life and happiness , where-as it becomes apparent the title is slightly mis-leading, the letters o and v should be neatly replaced with i and f. But then you have the even more obtrusively misleading title 'Life in the Time of Cholera' To competently title this film you would have to remove the last 5 words.

The film effortlessly implements the above plots and deep intricacies in a wonderful manner, and is complemented by an amazing cast, lead by the constantly extraordinary Javier Bardem, who, as ever develops the plot into something heart-felt and genuine. As he interacts with the rest of the cast upon the backdrop of a heart-warming and (to say it again) deep story, magic is made. So, very positive, but why was no-one else in the screen with us, admiring this piece of art? The answer, they were all watching 'Meet the Spartans', truly a reflection of the overly bureaucratic and capitalist time and place in which we live, highly publicized and highly crap is the way modern, stupid and ignorant society likes it. However instead of attempting in vain to fix this, I shall attempt to bring more of the film to light to you, who hopefully, will appreciate my efforts.

'Love in the Time of Cholera' uses no overdone or special film effects, and instead attempts to bring the story and the brilliant acting to the fore, and shows everything necessary and well done in the best of lights, along with the easily forgettable but effective shooting, come Shakira, yes, thats right, she performs brilliant and original music which super-imposes upon the the multiple layers of shining brilliance, and forms the most perfect and warming sheet of MDF ever, oh dear I'm good.

Of course, no film (accept 'The cottage') is perfect and as I have been criticized for having too positive reviews I will endeavor to bring to light some of its bad points; firstly: it is drawn out to an unknown, but possibly infinitely long run time (I didn't check the time, as in my hurry to get to the cinema, I forgot to take my phone, watch or underwear) The points, which were undoubtedly good, could have been put into a more rounded, shorter film, whereupon they would be easier to digest. Secondly there are some slight continuity errors involving the change of actors with age, which are hardly worth going into to; and on a tertiary note, this is not a film for the sort of people that would be sitting in the cinemas at [miscellaneous time] in the morning watching Spartans laugh at Britney Spears. However if you truly appreciate the modern art from that is Cinema then this film is for you, shame about the absence of Flamethrowers though...

Join me and my surpassing and godlike wit next issue whereupon I shall be reviewing, if not 'Meet the Spartans' (just to wonder at its crapiness)... a film, yeah I'm not sure as the Cineworld website is fucking me about and pretending to be hard like Quentin Tarantino (not that his films are bad, mind you, oh God please don't sue me.)

Rundown -

Shooting: 7

Characterization: 9

Soundtrack: 9

Plot: 8

Effects: 7

Variable field dependent on context and genre - not being a chick-flick: 10

Overall J-score: 7.5/10

If there is anything you would like little Johnny to know do not hesitate to email me at Johnny.neicho@sky.com (I'm, serious, why does nobody ever want to talk to me!?)

Monday, March 24, 2008

Stargate Tonight!

Happy Easter all?

Snowing in London, odd for march. Chocolate makes me feel sick. I bought Superbad on DVD and plan to watch it tonight. But that is not what excites me the most...

Stargate SG-1: The Ark of Truth is on Sky One tonight. Finally, the conclusion to the Ori plotline that I have been waiting over a year for. I cannot wait! Review imminent! Woooooooooooooot!

Friday, March 21, 2008

HL2: Ep2 - The End...

(Limited Spoilers and Speculation)

Turns out that after that bit with those striders and those hunters, and the magnusson devices, that was the last bit of shooting, leaving one of the best bits of Half Life, and some great storytelling from Valve.

I was in shock by that ending. I love Dog, he has saved my life so many times. I love the way Valve build relationships between charachters, and that made the final scenes all the more distressing. But, is it definite that, he who is dead, is dead? I believe he must be. I wish there was some way of hoping he was not, but that would be living in denial. I just wish we could have had an uninterupted talk, so I could have found out what he knew about the G-Man.

Now I have a very tough choice. What was the best bit of The Orange Box. This choice, I will have to avoid, because my feeble mind cannot comprehend the answer.

My predictions for Episode 3, we will travel, by helecopter, to the Borealis, and to rescue Julia. The whole principle of the Borealis confuses me. What were Apeture attempting to do again? Something with portals, if I recall, which could be very appetising to stranded combine forces. I predict it will be in snow, and underground, and on the Borealis for much of the game, there will be a reason why we cannot fulfil our promise to Eli and destroy it straight away. I dont think Gordon will get the Portal Gun, although I think it may be involved, the same for Glados. And, am I the only one dissapointed by the fact that we havent seen Barney in ages? And will Odessa Cubbage return?

My hopes for Half Life 3 are different. I like the principle of one full game, followed be expanion episodes, which was been sucessful with both HL and HL2. I dont think Valve will abandon Gordon, he and Alyx will probably be put into stasis, or Alyx will have gotten older, I pray that we do not lose her.

I hope Valve build an entire new generation engine, Source II, and add all manner of new things. This, I predict, will not come until 2011, at the earliest, with Half Life 3 following soon after.

The is only one thing I don't want. NEVER SHOW THE SEVEN-HOUR WAR! If George Lucas has taught me anything, it is that climatic, world-shattering battles are often best left unseen. I do not want to be a rebelious citizen during that war. Please dont be stupid valve.
I lve you too much for you to let me down.

Now I have nothing to do but replay Ravenholm for a year-or-so. Oh-well. It could be worse...

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

HL2: Ep2 - So Far...

(Limited Spoliers)

I have just done that bit of Half Life 2: Episode 2, that bit with those striders and those hunters.

Oh My God!

Valve have just created so many perfect moments, from the blind-tentacles and the marines in Half Life, to playing catch with Dog and Ravenholm in Half Life 2, to the Strider in Episode 1. They combine all these elements brilliantly in Ep 2. The fear of running from an unbeatable enemy, the vehicles, the gravity puzzles, the crouched-sneaking section, the Combine, the zombies, the section where you cannot touch the ground. Linking both drama and action, carrying each scene past bursting but keeping it feeling natural. I even cried at that opening bit with Alyx. And, argg! Hunters!

Valve have created the perfect game in Episode 2, and I have not finished yet. I am about 2/3 of the way through.

Oh My God!

(PS. "They Combine all these elements..." - best pun ever! I crack myself up!)

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Your Opinion

I have just put up a rather nice football post on my personal blog. Do you guys want to hear sport related posts in bloghammer, or mainly films and videogames?

For those who want to see: http://thinkingddude.blogspot.com/

Answers needed in the comments below:

J-Film #7 - '10,000 BC'

oh dear , oh dear, oh dear. To be quite frank I am really not sure what to say, so out of blind hatred I will start with, urhhhm.. the plot, if you can call it that, it's more like America's national anthem, non-nonsensical and a lie, well thats not wholly true, you can understand it, but only if your willing to strain your body to the border of defecation, you give up on it in the first five minutes in a vague hope of it picking up at some point, I mean, its got Atlanteans in it, possibility for some really thought provoking ideas, involving aliens and ancient civilizations, but instead just sells out like Tom Cruises' 'War of the Worlds', on top of an overly freedom driven, ridiculous plot, that for some reason is in 10,000 BC this is yet another film which assumes that Neanderthals spoke like retarded half-formed BNP members, with myriad grunt-like sounds and top be perfectly honest, this sort of behavior isn't worth the above joke about the BNP.

Whence you realize that the film is going to be shit, about 2 microseconds in, you sort of expect it to have some cool monsters or a really big spaceship (See 'independence day') as is the way of most of the poor film, as a way of bringing themselves up from the level or the 8th deadly sin, '10,000 BC', however, does not bother, its monsters are comprised off: Fuck loads of mammoths, about 5 giant chickens and a God, yes a God. Not a very good one though, he looks sort of powerful and has a certain air about him, and you never see him until the end. Still, in some obscene breaching of the laws of cinema, they fucked this up as well, the God turns out to be... a geeza, just a normal geeza, wonderful. To complement this horror, they also build up several sub-plots which go nowhere, when the film distractedly and eventually ends.

On top of this already more than substantial butchery of a usually and increasingly solid art form, them music is ripped out of every feel good children's action film EVAR, and just undermines what little reserves of credibility left in this God-awful film, the shooting is so decidedly average, its impossible to comment on and it has some sort of sentient, friendly saber-tooth tiger, which does no end of bad and corrupts this childlike film about destroying the master-race. Ahh here we go, that was what i really wanted to talk about, a group of stupid, americanized, egotistical twats, take on the Atlantis!!! I mean What the Fuck, by the end they have killed a God (Fuck spoilers, you could guess the plot while dead and with several mental severe mental conditions) and set the technological advancement of the planet back 5,000 years, and by the time you realize this, all you want to do is shout at the screen "Are you happy you morons, are you really happy, you saved your push-up bra girlfriend?!"

Next issue I shall be reviewing, oh jesus there nothing decent on, oh god, it might have to be the new DR Seuss film, ahh fuck this I'm going on Jerry Springer... Take care of yourself and others.



Shooting: 3

Characterization:0

Soundtrack: 2

Plot: 0

Effects: 4

Variable field dependent on context and genre - Wasted Potential: 0

Overall J-score: UNGRADED/10

If there is anything you would like little Johnny to know or would like to subscribe to my mass mailing alert service do not hesitate to email me at Johnny.neicho@sky.com

Monday, March 17, 2008

Crysis review, by Sith(y)

Crysis.


 

The mere word makes the mind wander to islands, lush jungles, white beaches, and people to shoot. The mind is correct in thinking these things. Crysis is Crytek's second project, after Far Cry and its pitiful sequels. You play as Jake "Nomad," Dunn, an operative for the US Special Forces, as part of Raptor Team. Of course, you're not alone, silly. Why'd you think that?


 

Your team consists of yourself, your commander Prophet, your British mate Psycho, a Hispanic guy named Aztec, and Jester. Dunno where he's from, exactly, but assume they're all from America unless otherwise stated.


 

You probably already know that Crysis is basically the most hyped game this side of Deus Ex, but the hype is unfounded in some aspects of the game. Many features, such as the branching storyline, have been removed from the full game. Some have been changed, like the graphics (Toned down, though this can be corrected. Google Crysis Graphical Tweaks.), and the TAC bullet system, which became sleeper bullets that make your target pass out upon impact.


 

But, the game is still good. It has easily the best graphics and physics that I've seen in a game, trees snap where they're shot, buildings collapse from grenade blasts, and Koreans fly through the air merrily after being thrown by the neck. By you, naturally.


 

That's another thing, you're fighting North Koreans in this game. But, that is not all you're fighting. From the start of the game, you're exposed to many paranormal phenomena. Look around a lot while you're 'chuting to the island in the first part of the game, you'll see what tackles you and botches EVERY DAMN THING UP.


 

Gameplay is fun, yet similar to many other FPSes. Nomad (That's you.) is not your ordinary soldier, oh no, he is a KRYPTONIAN. Just kidding, he's actually part of the nanosuit prototype project, which outfits the best of the best with special exosuits. These give their bearer extraordinary powers.


 

You have four modes, strength, speed, armour, and cloak. Strength is the most fun, yet least used, of the modes. You can punch through walls and surprise a NK soldier as he pisses in an outhouse, then grab him by the neck and lob him through a tree. Also, you're able to perform super high jumps, and fire weapons with less recoil than normal in strength mode.


 

Speed is the second least-used, giving you, you guessed it, super speed. For a limited time, of course, but it's good for legging it after jumping in over your head, or as an alternative to the vehicles. NK soldiers recoil in shock if you super speed up to them, too. Which is fun.


 

Armour does what it says on the tin, being the most (Or second most, depending upon your playstyle) useful power. It basically uses up your suit's energy reserves to let bullets ping off your outer shell, like gnats biting a mule. Then your suit energy fails and you die, but it's fun while it lasts. Use liberally.


 

Cloak is the final, and second most useful power. It lets you blend in to your surroundings, hiding from the short-sighted enemies. Works well in combination with a bush, and prone mode, but your energy gets eaten up like fat-free pies in a weight loss meeting while you run in this mode. Use with caution.


 

Now, on to the weapons. The enemies in Crysis seem to be made of Kevlar, and are thus capable of absorbing 6 bullets to the FRICKING TORSO while they're FRICKING ASLEEP. Either that, or the guns are utter bollocks. The rifles are.. Rifles. SCAR ammo is SCARce (See what I did there?), so dump it for the NK rifle early on. The minigun is.. Fun. Shoot it while shouting "SO MUCH BLOOD!!!" and you get the full experience. The shotgun is rather useful in close-quarters combat, but is otherwise useless.


 

The gauss rifle is very useful in the latter parts of the game, as it eats aliens for breakfast, lunch, and tea. The precision rifle is bollocks. Just use the NK rifle with a sniper scope and laser sight thingy. The pistol is a pistol. What more can I say?


 

That's about it for guns, on to enemies. The enemies in Crysis are smart. They throw frag grenades, split up to hunt you down, and use turrets for suppressing fire. They're also lifelike if not alerted. They smoke, sleep, wash cars, lie down, piss, talk to each other, go on patrols, everything you could expect from a small military outpost.


 

I won't even mention the multiplayer. Much. It's utter shite, just don't play it.


 

The maps are generally huge in both SP and MP (Perhaps its only redeeming feature), covering enough space for a helicopter to take a while to traverse it. Helicopters are also bastards. Kill them whenever you think you can. Use missile launchers or jeep-mounted machine guns.


 

The vehicles are pitiful, exploding way too easily, taking tons of damage from small knocks, and other rather bad things. I quite liked piloting the VTOL, conversely, but the tank level was horrific. The only good thing about vehicles in Crysis is ramming them into small huts and watching them explode in a glorious display of physics, and shooting down helicopters without dying horribly.


 

The storyline is acceptable, of the average action film style. The ending left me wanting more, because it was a cliffhanger mainly, but it's going to be a trilogy of games anyway so let's hope Crysis 2 isn't gonna do another Halo on us.


 

The last boss was rather clichéd, involving an Independence Day-esque "Nuke in hole at the bottom of big ship," death. The level in the alien ship is confusing, though that's what it's meant to be since it's in zero-gravity, but the relief I felt when I finally got out of there was immense. The gooey aliens are tricky bastards by the way. Shoot them before they cotton on to you, or just evade them.


 

Last of all, perhaps the biggest turn-off out of Crysis. It eats computers for a mid-afternoon snack then heartily belches until a little bit of vomit comes up and it needs a drink of water. Sorry, that got a bit deep, but anyway, you need a very, very, very good system to run Crysis on high settings at a good FPS. Doesn't even look that great without a graphical tweak, anyway.


 


 

Once more, my review has ended. I'd give Crysis a score of 8/10. It looks magnificent with a graphical tweak, though we shouldn't need that, it plays well, though disappointed me due to its lack of some features Crytek showed in earlier videos. The MP is crap, so don't buy it for that. If you see Crysis and think your computer can run it, pick it up.


 

Sith

Friday, March 14, 2008

GeneRally, a free top down racing game

To compare GeneRally to real motorsport would be to compare TF2 to CSS. While the latter is focused on skill, tactics and accuracy the former is a distillation of the very elements of its subject matter- in TF2s case shooting things, in GeneRally's case racing things round tracks.

There is no shortage of things to race in GeneRally, with 12+ classes of car to race on an almost infinite number of tracks, thanks to GeneRally's devoted community and a very easy to use track builder, which uses 16 colour images to create tracks, meaning you can create them in any image editor you like.

Such a simple track editor is made possible by an equally simple graphics engine. Every car has 40 polygons and the game is played in a defiantly top down view, albeit one with some fairly nice touches, such as tyre marks remaining on the track for the duration of the race, marking out a line to take and cute little puffs of smoke from your car when it's damaged.

Yes, I said damage. Generally can become a surprisingly hardcore little racing simulator if you so desire, with tire wear, fuel and damage all modeled. You repair all of these with pit stops, opening up a whole new level of F1 style strategy. If you pit earlier than your opponent can you overtake him when he has to? Is it worth risking a lap running on vapour for the extra speed? (Fuel has a weight too) Such thoughts are constantly running through your head during a race and this strategic element makes generally incredibly compelling.

Of course such strategies are dependent on the level of your opponents who, like everything else in GeneRally, are customizable. You create your own AI drivers, setting their skill, name and car colours individually. I recreated the highlights of the 2007 F1 grid lineup to race against, which was a lot of fun. Of course you can also race against friends, which is even better due to the AI being quite aggressive, to put it mildly.

GeneRally is great fun, one of my favourite racing games in existence. You can pick up the latest version (alas, it is not being updated) at:

http://generally.rscsites.org/download.shtml

A fairly easy to use car editor can be found here:

http://www.generally.com.ar/

Forums full of likeminded fans, all beavering away making mods are here:

http://forum.rscnet.org/forumdisplay.php?f=199

J-Film #6 - 'The Cottage'

well, I am a bit lost for words to be perfectly honest, cinemas has hit a high point, this is quite possibly the best thing to happen to the universe since the wheel, this film my friends is perfect.

First of all, wait, hang on, there is no 'first' this is the greatest horo-com ever, its aspects blend into a melody so thick and juicy, Jesus would have trouble changing its composition, The shooting techniques are the best the civilized universe has ever or will have ever seen, the soundtrack fits like a glove to the brilliant, artistic gore blended with entirely side splitting comedy moments.

Thats it... What can I say, it the best film I have ever seen, ever, if you can find anything better I'll give you my legs;and if you don't like it I'll take your whole families... but thats beside the point. The point is, this film is made of pure win, there is nothing it doesn't do flawlessly, It has the most delectable mixed of horror and comedy, that mixes your emotion in such a manner, you are easily tripped between open laughter and jumping out your seat in laughter, if you don't see this, you will not have lived, is here a point of a rundown? There certainly no point in writing anymore, short and sweet, keeps it neat. I write all my reviews to match the films and this one is no different, pure artistic fun; nothing more and nothing less than pure perfection.

Next time ill probably be J-filming the most probably shit 10,000 BC or something or other, look forward to it whatever it is and SEE THIS FUCKING FILM! Oh and did i mention it's British?

Rundown -

Shooting: 10

Characterization: 10

Soundtrack: 10

Plot: 10

Effects: 10

Variable field dependent on context and genre - Horo-com mix: 10

Overall J-score: 10/10 J-FILM MUST SEE (fuck must see, this is more J-fucking must see)

If there is anything you would like little Johnny to know or would like to subscribe to my mass mailing alert service do not hesitate to email me at Johnny.neicho@sky.com

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

An ode to Grey

Congratulations Grey_Painter you won my the 'Fill J-snukk with Love' competition and as i promised I am now writing a review of you personality, be prepared to cry in admiration of yourself mate.

Now, Grey, you have been with us through allot, you have lurked within the chat-room for eons, and form the solid core of the PCG Steam Community, you are a myrmidon among gamers, leading an elite phalanx of our best and brightest. Just picture it, You carry the banner of our New World Order, you scream, enraged by the heretic legions of the stupid "CHARGE!" and we oblige I knock soldiers with the likes of Ains and Javaguy, and our solid legion of pure holiness and retribution, advances with holy fire burning in our eyes, and we the uber-men enslave all those who despise us...

Oh Sorry, almost turned into a hate rant there, anyways, back to reviewing you. You are great, from your amusingly dull story about painting Grey all the time, to you astounding taste in games, where you collection could only be considered an art gallery, I would imagine even the stacking of the DVD cases forms a kind of subtle art, you are better than God, better than nature. In truth you are not a 'grey' painter you are an octarine_painter, the very knowledge of you brings joy to our hearts, march on Grey, march on and crush the infidels!


Rundown -

Shooting: 10

Characterization: 10

Soundtrack: 10 (i'm hearing queen and foo fighters...)

Plot: 10

Effects: 10 (even tho they are all grey)

Variable field dependent on context and genre - Pure Lovlieness: 10

Overall J-score: 10/10 J-FILM MUST SEE

If there is anything you would like little Johnny to know or would like to subscribe to my mass mailing alert service do not hesitate to email me at Johnny.neicho@sky.com

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Brian's Guide to...

Any of you who have read John Walkers wonderful blog will probably have read some of his "Brian's Guide to..." comics. They rule; so I made an attempt to make my own. I am not that good at Art. Infact, you could say I am terrible, but I like this. Please take a look. Please laugh. Please!

http://i274.photobucket.com/albums/jj280/ddude700/brianslightbulb-cropped.jpg

Two Worlds review.

It would be very easy for me to write a scathing review of Two Worlds, dismissing it as a lacklusture oblivion clone. To do so, however, would be to ignore its many charms and innovations that help make it an enjoyable 40 hour RPG, albeit a 40 hour RPG with a fair few issues. I may as well start by explaining these issues as your tolerance of them will pretty much determine whether you should buy the game.

The first of these flaws is apparent pretty much as soon as you begin: The combat is rubbish. Killing enemies is a matter of hammering the left mouse button as fast as you can and hoping you don't get hit. A block function is conspicuous by its absence, replaced by "dodge", which causes your character to hop backwards, avoiding an enemy attack. This function is, however, too cumbersome to use frequently and this gives rise to the tactic of heal killing. When you die in Two Worlds you respawn at a resurrection point, which also heals you if you go near it. These points are so plentiful that combat becomes a matter of luring the enemies to the point, where you will be constantly healed, and then mashing the left mouse button.

These healing points, however, also encapsulate what is good about Two Worlds. On all difficulty settings but "hard" your dying has no adverse affect on your character. He loses no experience, no items, nothing. It makes Two Worlds much more accessible than other RPGs, you won't be punished for getting yourself into tough situations, of which there are many thanks to the crazy agro system and fairly punishing difficulty that means you'll always be fighting/getting killed by 5 or more monsters at once. One of the more amusing tactics to deal with this is to run round and round so the six wolves, four bandits and two bears following you all hit each other and start fighting amongst themselves, allowing you to retreat and watch from a safe distance.

The surprising honesty with which combat is approached means that if you get in the way of a weapon you're going to get hit, no matter who it was intended for, the same applying to arrows. It all implies that there is a strong physics engine behind the game, as does the compulsory installation of the PhysX drivers. This, however seems sadly not to be true. While enemies do become ragdolls on death the rest of the world seems devoid of any physics at all, with objects glued to tables and characters/horses struggling to navigate the terrain.

The wide variety of issues certainly have the potential to be game running for some people and if you're expecting Two Worlds to be the next Oblivion you'll probably be disappointed. 'tis no matter though, for if you've got this far I'm going to assume you can live with the above and are ready to move on to what is so good about Two Worlds. The delicious apple pie (of +2 apples) after the bland casserole of problems above. Also: Yum, apple pie.

And yet, it's hard to pin down any one feature that makes Two Worlds so enjoyable, despite its flaws. The whole game just seems to have had a lot of love put into it, apparent by the manual that has 32 pages of general information about the world before it gets to how to play it. It's a lot more… personal than the like of Oblivion, which are often polished to the point of being soulless. It also has a lot more humour than other RPGS, whether intentional or not.


Another strong point of Two Worlds is the graphics. While the game suffers from an incredibly close draw distance for buildings it has some amazing vistas and dense foliage, with some of the nicest trees I’ve seen in any RPG. There are also some really nice weapon models, textured surprisingly intricately for a game that doesn’t demand that much from your PC.

Not only are Two Worlds’ weapons pretty- they are also very copious. Even at early levels you’re bombarded by a constant stream of new items, each shinier and with more skill modifiers and attributes than the last. It’s the most capitalistic RPG I know of and by level 10 your character will be decked out like a spoilt 22 year old after a London shopping trip, with rings on every finger, an inventory full of hats and shoes and a mind full of armour sets and where to find matching trousers for your chainmail top.

Of course such items are of little use unless you can show off to friends and Two Worlds has this covered with the option to play online multiplayer in standard deathmatches or the far more interesting “RPG” mode, where you create a persistent character and level him up by fighting foes and doing quests co-operatively by friends in slices of the world map. This mode is slightly let down by the WoWness of the quests, with objectives ranging from “kill these wild animals” to “find this mirror, which is guarded by wild animals” but it’s still a blast and capable of eating up hours of time, even with the lag inevitably introduced by only allowing listen servers.

So, yeah, Two Worlds really is a game of juxtapositions, like a Trabant: Eastern European, rubbish, yet still charming enough to draw loyal fans. You’ll either find yourself hating the game due to it’s flaws or loving it for the feeling love that has gone into everything, from the gently swaying trees to the way the grass becomes charred when fire spells hit it. So, this is for you, hardened RPG players, used to seeing a myriad of bugs infesting your latest purchase. However for those whose first introduction to the RPG world was Oblivion Two Worlds might not be the best choice. Try the demo first.

I give the game 75%. Flawed yet charming+2

Saturday, March 8, 2008

Two Worlds

Two Worlds, a deeply flawed yet fairly engrossing RPG, is avaliable for not much more than a fiver on Steam this weekend. Its very much in the mould of oblivion boasting an open world and many quests to do. The average score on metacritic (69%) is fairly low due to its myriad of technical issues and LOLworthy voice acting but those willing to overlook such problems will find a decent 40 hours of fun.

It's a good deal for a fiver.

The game also includes an interesitng looking multiplayer mode, so if enough of us buy it we could have a go at that sometime.

J-Film #5 - 'Diary of the Dead'

'Oh deary me' was the idle thought that drifted through my mind upon departing the cinema last night and not because the film is bad, or indeed, anything less than superb, but because it was going to be hard to review. The reasons it is hard, is because the film is so great and does allot of things so well and subtly, it can be hard to find our, just what makes it good; but i shall try.

Anyway, 'Diary of the Dead' is the next, possibly last, film in George A. Romero's classic satirical zombie series, not following on from 'Land of the Dead' but parallel to the times of the original 'Night of the Living Dead' (possibly one of the most iconic films ever, if you have the original ending and not the fucking queer one, that is) however, as Mr. Romero likes to do he has set it in the modern day, for his satires strongly reflect the troubles and occurrences of the day, and i assure you none of his satire is lost.

throughout the film lots of satirical points are underlaid on the main zombie survival thriller, including humanity's need to document things (It is steady cam, but ill talk about that later) and his classic player, how the zombies are better than us. Those points are, if anything very obvious and practically said by the woman commentating the 'diary' and many more accompany it, but some of the most important satire i hid deep within the bowels of the film, its reflects New Orleans, yes, big disaster, people being raped and exploited by everyone, all the rich fuckers bugger off leaving the poor black minority populace to fend for themselves, creating a crisis zone, the government not helping at all, people blaming it on Immigration etc. Its all there including that fact that presidential coward George W. Bush was hiding in his mansion, just like the remaining cast are at a point during the film.

What is also great is how akin this is to 'Night of the Living Dead' and 'Dawn of the Dead especially' where as well as great satire, there are many comedic, laugh out loud moments, say I as remembering a deaf, mute Amish man who, as he throws a stick of dynamite at a huddle of encroaching 'Flesh Eaters', holds up a sign proclaiming him as 'Samuel' as bits of zombie fly casually and humorously over his head. So, its got the strong aura of satire, the typical apocalyptic humor and the brilliant slow shuffling, useless zombies, they are not dangerous at all if you know where they are, and thats just brilliantly reminiscent of that 'ooosome' scene in 'Night of the Living Dead' where the main female character just walks past all those zombies, with no danger to her whatsoever, they are not individually difficult to manage or dangerous,but they just wear you down with numbers, and with the stress they cause, they 'Zerglings', but apart from that the best description for them would be soviet Russian troops, theres just so many, so so many.

So, its an amazing and classic piece of George A. Romero cinema art, and just about the only American film that actually has an admirable British character in it. "But whats bad about it?" I hear you guffaw over the retaining wall i have built to separate myself from you zombies, well the 'Steady Cam', it isn't 'Steady Cam'. Now this may be for myriad reasons, such as, they are film students, who know how to use a camera and they have proper camera's not like Clover-Shit's hand-held, but this did get quite annoying, because it seemed not to be bale to decide whether it was 'SC' or not, now my dad liked it because he was never a fan of 'SC' in the first place, but i just don't think it was used in the correct manner, there weren't enough zombie jump moments as there could have been with a first person view from the camera man, angle, allot of missed potential there, I think. but if you don't like steady Cam, because it makes you dizzy or for any other reason, this fact will probably go down allot better with you.

Join me next issue, when hopefully It will be British 'Horocom' 'The Cottage' on the J-films elegant Marble table, hand carved by 67 million, naked, heaving virgins, oh and by the way 'Cloverfield' is shit.

Rundown -

Shooting: 6

Characterization: 7

Soundtrack: 8

Plot: 9

Effects: 7

Variable field dependent on context and genre - Satire and Humor: 9

Overall J-score: 8.5/10 J-FILM MUST SEE

If there is anything you would like little Johnny to know or would like to subscribe to my mass mailing alert service do not hesitate to email me at Johnny.neicho@sky.com

Thursday, March 6, 2008

The Problem of Phones

I was in an awkward situation today. There I am standing on a crowded bus, and this large, middle-aged bloke suddeny yelled into my face if I wanted to "ave a beer this even'n".

I responded that I had a prior engagment, politely turning him down, only for him to give me a threatening look. He followed this up with an, even louder, "Are you bein' funny?!"

It was at this stage that I realised he was yelling into those headsets that people use, connected to their modile phones, and then sureptitiously tucked into their collars. I was, of course relived, and slightly embarassed. This embarassment was made worse by the fact that I was stuck less than a foot away from him the next half hour.

So, in an attempt to make this game related... hmmmm... I don't even see if that is possable...

Oh! yes!

In GTA IV we are all going to be given mobile phones to runa round with. We had one in San Andreas I believe, but these will be more important, being used for much more that just recieving calls. Is this a good thing? Who can tell...

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Jsnuk’s weird philosophy- English edition

Javaguy is great.

Man is an animal but has raised itself above those instincts.

We tend to fall back to war if we can't achieve things peacefully [reverting back to animal instincts]

Bible quotes maek me loock clevars

The day when we stop developing new techs is the day when we all nuke each other. Er, sure.

Why were we made? Dunno.

Lets fix global warming kids!

Lets make a SUPER NATION OF +2 SUPERNESS

Lets go to space and be in star trek. I like star trek.

We're all doomed so we should give up. (on what?)

Lets kill god coz he's nature and is MEEN TO US. (!!!!)

So lets kill nature too. (As if nature was anything other than abstract, snukky)

I'm going to put a score here for the lols.


 

The Javaguy Philosophy:

Javaguy is great.

We're all animals with those basic instincts. Always will be. War will always exist, but never mind.

Technology and war are independent of each other. The pursuit of tech doesn't distract us from war, our higher instincts do.

World is fine as it is.

Nature is always here, always will be too. It is infinitely more powerful than us, it's up to us, as animals, to adapt to it.

I give this article 34%


 


 

CoD4 review, Sith

Call of Duty 4.

This is the fourth episode of the pretty highly-acclaimed Call of Duty series. Well, it's not the fourth REALLY, but it's called 4 so let's just run with it. You play as either an operative in the S.A.S, or the USMC (US Marine Corps, I believe.), called Soap McTavish (Wut?) or Paul Jackson respectively.

The single player consists of the tried, and tested formula of “Go somewhere, shoot baddies, finish mission.” Don't get me wrong, it's a good formula. As you may have noticed from the subtitle “Modern Warfare,” this isn't set in the usual World War 2 theme of previous Call of Duties. Instead, it's set in the modern world. Of course, nukes are involved in the plot, but I won't give away more than that.

The missions take place mainly in Russia, and an unnamed country in “THE MIDDLE EAST,” the S.A.S, and USMC taking missions in each respectively, though both team up for the last few missions. I really, truly, loved the graphics in Call of Duty 4. The game looked beautiful, though little better than CoD 2 (That was pretty too, so no real loss.). Some of the missions generated tension, the sniper one in particular. I won't spoil it, but it's certainly something you've probably not done anywhere else.

The game play in general is fun, with the new additions of more secondary grenades (CSS fans rejoice, flash and stun grenades have arrived.), and the new bullet penetration mechanics. Popping someone when he thinks he's safe behind cover is satisfying.

A little note, perhaps of little use and interest, is that the old “Hit in face with gun,” melee system has gone away. Now you get a shiny, new, combat knife. That was just filler, really, but who the hell cares?

Onward, then. The game was pretty damn short, I finished it within the first few days of possession, took probably less than 8 hours in total, so it's a good time sink. You've got your mandatory pick up hidden items unlockables, including an arcade mode and slow-motion.

The game ends very abruptly, in the middle of a heated gunfight, which may catch some by surprise. The real gem here, though, is the multi player. I'll come to that in a second, but I've got to finish my three-lines-minimum paragraphs. Right, done.

OK, multi player. You probably already know this, but Call of Duty is renown for its MP. This is no different. There are your bog-standard death match, and team death match game modes, involving shooting people in the face, mainly, and your CSS-stolen (Sorry, borrowed), bomb planting missions. And some bollocks called headquarters, but I haven't tried that yet.

All of the game modes can further be modified by adding “Hardcore mode.” Hardcore mode basically makes stuff... Hardcore, really. You lose your cross hairs, HUD, and map (Other than when there's a UAV on-line for your team. I'll get back to UAVs in a moment.

MP is very populated, thousands of servers on-line at a time, though not all with people on. Most of the mechanics from single player are still in MP (Actually, all of them might be.), so there's no missing out here. Also, you can throw back grenades both in MP and SP. Just thought you'd like to know.

CoD4 has taken a leaf from Battlefield 2, and introduced a ranks, and unlocks system. There are 55 ranks to rise through, and at least a dozen guns to unlock, each with some add-ons as well. Including a Desert Eagle. Yay. Anyway, there are also perks to unlock. These perks are basically bonuses for your character.

Say, for example, I want a high-health assault character, with lots of grenades and the ability to shoot more accurately. I just pick the “More frag grenades,” perk, the “Juggernaut” (More health) perk, and the accuracy perk. Then, nab an assault rifle (May I recommend the M4, once you unlock it?), and a side arm in the create a class screen on the main menu. Job done.

The ranks are pretty easy to rise through, and you have the help of challenges. Challenges are like achievements in Team Fortress 2. You do certain things like, for example, kill 25 people with your AK 47, and you get experience towards your next rank-up, and maybe a new weapon attachment. These range from grips for shotguns, to silencers and scopes for assault rifles. Funnily, you can't have a silencer and a scope at once, but that's a little thing really.

Finally, the support powers. There are three support powers, gained by getting kill streaks. The UAV, which reveals all of the enemy troops on the map without the UAV jammer perk, as red dots on your map is earned for killing 3 people in one life. Air strikes, which are self-explanatory, are earned from downing 5 in one life.

Finally, the big daddy, helicopter support. You get helicopter support from 7 kills in one life, and it is really rather good. Helicopters can shred any infantry unlucky enough to be caught in its fire into small ribbons of meat, though it's vulnerable to heavy machine guns (Like the SAW), and RPG s. The bastard RPG s are hard to aim though, so you'd be better with a gun.

So, that's that then I suppose. I'd give CoD4 a 9/10 in total. It plays well, looks good, lots of shooting, lots of explosions, good multi player, good single player. If you like first person shooters, you will really love this.

Sith

NIGHTHOOD WRITES A REVIEW!

This is posted by me, but is all Nighthood's work:

Once, I decided I would make a film. It was a re-enactment of Ben-Hur, but all I had were 3 friends and a cheese sandwich. I gave up, but later discovered that if I had persevered, I could become a cult hero with an unhealthy obsession for Fats Waller. Ok, so this story is fictional, but so is “Be kind, Rewind”, a sweet movie about a couple of guys put into a bad position. Mos Def plays Mike, who is tasked with tending to Mr Fletcher’s (Danny Glover) video store, “Be kind, Rewind”. Mike is given special orders not to allow Jerry (Jack Black), Mike’s friend, and an absolute conspiracy nut, into the shop. Of course, this law is breached, and after getting his whole body magnetised, Jerry proceeds to wipe every single film in the shop. Struck with the dilemma of how they are going to get “Ghostbusters” to a customer, they decide to re-enact the whole film in a scrap yard and library, leaving out special effects in favour of good, old fashioned camera cutting. This continues when a customer wants “Rush Hour 2” by the end of the day. This results in an absolutely hilarious remake of the iconic(ish) bamboo scaffolding scene, as Jerry sends small children flying from a climbing frame. At this point, the 2 guys are a little worried of quite what the people will think of the film, and, without going too much into the plot of the movie, the consensus is good, and eventually ends with a small film studio. However, due to some interesting copyright laws, all the tapes have to be destroyed. Well, that’s about as much as I can be bothered to write, so now all I need to do is get myself allowed onto the blog. Tsk.

Rundown -

Shooting: Not with this budget!

Characterization: 7

Soundtrack: 5

Plot: 9

Effects: Do tinfoil, tinsel and caps count as effects?

Variable field dependent on context and genre - Bear wrestling: 9

Overall J-score: 8.5/10. As likeable as a film about 2 men with absolutely no sex life and a video camera can be...

Very good eh? I would also like to say that if nay of you haventread my J-filosophy below (as this was posted like straight after) please read it, it was made of effort, my back is sweating...

J-filosophy - 'an exclusive look at the nature of humanity, life and everything'

I had an epiphany today, and it was a realization that I don't like anything, I hate everyone apart from Java and the whole nature of the universe infuriates me, to the degree of near suicide and as i write this, I would like you to realize this post may not be joke filled as my usual.

humans are designed by nature and evolution to exploit everything, to exploit food sources, to exploit land and to exploit energy, we are also made to hate everything that is not us, we are designed to be wary of other cultures and their influences and be wary of change, but this sort of extreme fear mixed with out intelligence gives us our dominance, we strive to destroy everything but ourselves, we desire for wealth greater than ourselves and we wish not for peace, but for whatever situation will benefit us as the individual the most.

You see we are made to break the rules of nature - which is rather ironic - and thus our primitive instincts have developed throughout history, as our technology and understanding has greatened so has our capacity to override instinct and ascend out of our animalistic ways, so, great you are thinking, yes, wonderful, but what happened if this trend ends? What happens when we stagnate? Wars, lots of wars, wars over nothing wars which destroy everything we know and love. Truly that is our nature.

“Destruction cometh; and they shall seek peace, and there shall be none.” Says the bible, and that is right, on small fronts and on a global scale; you see if humans do not have a greater agenda, if they do not have wealth to obtain through peaceful means and if they do not have technological hopes, then we fall to war, an end to peace in all forms and the apocalypse, now, this may not happen, it is not certainty, but as we continue to face obstacles in our economic and intellectual expansion, and the population becomes ignorant and they produce babies of evil, the probability of this end to our species rises, as global warming threatens our security, wars in the middle east over oil and the Americans seek to enforce the rapture, we become conceited imperialistic and racist.

Now, this is nothing new, for eternity empires have struggled for dominance, but never before with such power and with such at stake, nuclear arms capable of eradicating the planet, sit passively in myriad silos waiting for the button to be pressed which shall single the end of everything we know and allot we don't. As technology develops, so does destruction, thus, if we stop developing new technologies we signal the end to everything and if we do we signal the end to everything, but, there is a way out...

“Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning. (Psalms 30:5)” The end is never really the end, despite what I have said, humanity matters not on a universal scale, but its brief existence raises some questions. Why did nature develop its destruction? why did our planet Seal it's doom? Why did evolution see fit to make us, when simpler creatures could create a worthy ecosystem independently? and Why, does anything exist anyway?! I know none of the answers to any of these questions, and only speculation exists, but that drive keeps us motivated and moving along as an intelligent civilization, there is a small gap in the mesh of Life, we can beat nature, we can beat the universe, we are God's.

First of all, we need to defeat global warming, then we need to form one massive global country with shared wealth and capitalistic ideals, then we need to perfect renewable energy, and finally we need to develop deep space travel. Just watch the original series of Star Trek, such a perfect society, such a hippy show, but thats what we need to achieve, and more. You see the planet we live on and nature will keep trying to destroy us, with ice ages, global warming, resources shortages and our own crude nature; to survive we must seize our nature and bend it into an unrecognizable but wonderful state, we need to destroy instinct, we need to spread our culture and people so far that the death of a whole galaxy would not even phase us. however the basic form of humanity will alter greatly, with different forms of human adapting in different ways across the the universe, we will cease to be one species and will ascend to become something greater, something unimaginable, something great. In short we need to force ourselves to evolve in a way that defies nature, we need to cease to be human.

“I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11)” The Lord is nature and nature is the Lord, they wish to destroy us for they have created their doom, of course they are fictional, they do not exist other than in the very forces of the universe, maybe our creation was an inevitable accident spun in the insecurities of the very laws of the universe, we could except our fate as martyrs, or we could struggle on in spite of everything and spit in the face of the universe, our nature is to exploit, so let us bring an end to the exploitation of each other and exploit the universe, to live, to ascend , to realize our potential we need to kill God.

“Everything is possible for him who believes.” Mark 9:23 - Take heart from the words of God my friends for ironically we shall need them to destroy him, for the only way to live is to change and the only way to change is to destroy nature and become our own force, and until that day, which shall probably never happen, I will continue to hate everything and everyone, but Java for “He only is my rock and my salvation: he is my defense; I shall not be moved.”

Rundown (of the Universe, God, Nature and Evolution) -

Shooting: 0

Characterization: 10

Soundtrack: 0

Plot: 0

Effects: 10

Variable field dependent on context and genre - Common sense: 0

Overall J-score: 1/10

“Without wood a fire goes out; without gossip a quarrel dies down”

Monday, March 3, 2008

J-Film #4 - 'Semi-pro'

I am in an angry mood lately and i shall not say G'evenang to you, i shall just say "why the holy fucktarded chicken licking savage do Americans pronounce semi, Sem-I, seriously are they that broken in the head that as well as itching to nuke every oil wielding country this hemisphere, they have to spell wrong and mutilate the language in which my glorious reviews are written in!?!?!"

With that out of the way however, I can now actually review something, and that something is, namely, 'Semeeeeee-pro'. Now as my Fingers caress the keyboard with inhuman grace only developed through eons of shooting head-crabs, and i spell almost every word wrong, a question is in my head and that question my loyal simpletons is "What is the nature of a comedy? What is its purpose? and What does it need to make it effective?" and now i shall answer those three questions respectively.

The nature of a comedy is to make fun of occurrences everyday or otherwise, its purpose is to use this 'piss-taking' to make people laugh; and after all laughing is a form of entertainment. Thus a genre is born, so, i know what you are thinking, oh well any laymen who only had 15 GCSE's an A level in philosophy and a masters in ponciness from Oxford with a sandwich working in Harvard's Gay wing could work that out and you would be right. You see, the problem arises with the third question, here you have to take into account myriad genres, how they function and what aspects they use to brand them as entertainment, and ultimately art. Thus Effectively you are asking the first two questions for every possible genre and sub-genre just to work out the answer to the third question. I also know what you are thinking at this point "Oh dear, thats far too poncey for me, ill just pretend I understand"

So after several hard minutes of my Fagmosexual brain whirring and a complete second without taking the piss out of Clover field, I now have the answer, but be warned its not a short one. You see Every film needs a story, and every joke within a comedy needs a context that can be easily and quickly applied to it, in other words the bear eating the commissioner of the NBA needs to make sense. Okay, so a comedy needs a story to make it funny, what does it also need? Relativity, thats an easy one, if you cant relate to the joke and if it means nothing to you it's not funny, do i need to explain that further? Good. One more thing is essential however and is the most important thing EVER; even when A joke has a basis in story, is relative to your experiences and knowledge, it still needs to be Funny. I will not go any further on this, as I am now 519 words in and haven't discussed the film at all, but I will point out, at this point you need to work out what funny actually means, anyways on with the J-film.

Where the above ponceyness fits in with the actual film, is thats its a comedy and yes I do realize I could have told you that in one sentence but i thought i would confuse you first.

First of all this Will Ferrel comedy is not as good as 'Talledaga (fuck the spelling) nights' but is the typical light hearted comedy, with a straight forward plot consisting of Team needs to win big game, team wins big game elements, which are averagely orchestrated with an average cast of actors, excluding Will Ferrel, who I rather like.

The film is fun, full of basket balls and has a brilliant LOL moment involving a bear, but it just simply cannot compete with the 'running over the race car finish line in slow motion moment' in 'TD' there isn't much more to say really, its enjoyably funny, th acting is slightly sub par the effects are rather lovely, the story is average, 'meh' its all right. But it is fair to say, when I'm the editor to 'Art Gay Monthly' in a big pink building with 'PONCE' scribbled over the door in a supposedly artistic manner, this film will not be in my top 10. On another final note, i would also like to express the fact that if you wanted to know how good the film actually was you could skip down to the rundown, but i wasn't about to tell you that at the beginning was I?

Next time I shall be reviewing 'Diary of the Dead' (I mean if they let me into Rambo ill have no trouble with this) and that should be, how do you say? "FUCKING AWESOME YOU CUNT"


Rundown -

Shooting: 7

Characterization: 4

Soundtrack: 5

Plot: 5

Effects: 8

Variable field dependent on context and genre - Bear wrestling: 9

Overall J-score: 5.5/10 J-FILM MEH SEE

If there is anything you would like little Johnny to know or would like to subscribe to my mass mailing alert service do not hesitate to email me at Johnny.neicho@sky.com

*as you could probably tell I'm feeling in a particularly Poncarrogant (yay i invented an adjective!) mood

Sunday, March 2, 2008

Crackdown Review (X360)

For years the love that gamers have for Rocket Launchers has rested uneasily with the love that I have for being the good guy. For some reason, whatever it is, the good guys never have the really cool guns. It's always the terrorists with the RPGs and really big machine guns, never the police.

Fortunately Crackdown sees things differently. You play a genetically enhanced super cop wearing something very much like a Nanosuit tasked with cleaning up the streets. The key feature of the game is that you are essentially a superhero, by the end of the game capable of causing biblical amounts of damage.

This certainly seems like a fun premise for a game, and usually in a review I would now go on to say how this links in with the story. The main problem with crackdown is there isn't one. You're simply chucked out into the city with 10 gang bosses per area to take down and once you've done that the game is pretty much over. The city has no crime, your skills will all be full and you will quickly become very, very bored. It's a pity that the game is so insubstantial in this way but it is, in part, offset by the skill advancement mechanics, which replace the story as the main hook of the game.

You start the game with your core abilities (strength, agility, explosives, firearms and driving) at 0. This means that your lock on aim is slow, your explosives do little damage, your jumping is unimpressive and cars handle quite badly. To improve each of your skills (apart from agility which I'll get to later) you kill gang members using the skill, for example running gang members over increases driving, shooting gang members increases firearms etc. As your skills increase you become more powerful, able to lock on faster, drive better and cause more damage with explosives. It's surprisingly compelling and I've wasted many a happy hour grinding to improve my skills. Well, I say grinding; it's a lot more amusing than killing endless goblins on WoW due to the alarming speed with which fights build up, especially in the later stages of the game. You'll soon find yourself surrounded by armies of hit squads trying to take you down and the thrill of seeing 20 of them flying up into the air thanks to a well placed grenade is amazing.

As I mentioned before the exception to the skill mechanic is agility. Rather than increasing that through combat you pick up agility orbs scattered in hard to reach places around the city. They're graded according to difficulty and, as with the rest of the skill system, very fun to try and seek out/get to. There are also hidden orbs which increase all of your skills around the city and finding them takes some doing. If all of this "finding things" in tedious then fear not, as the city is so chock full of pickups it's impossible not to find them, at least at first.

Ah, that city. Crackdown is set in Pacific City, the usual anonymous American fare we're used to seeing in games such as GTA except for one key difference: it's vertical. Most buildings can be scaled even at a low agility level and the rooftops of all the buildings are very intricately put together. You'll spend quite a lot of time at roof level and it really does feel like a whole different game once you're up there, watching the traffic snaking by below. The attention to detail throughout the city is just amazing and gets better with every new district you go to. Apparently the city is divided into individually modeled "blocks" and it shows. I've yet to find a building that isn't interesting in some way, be it the rubber duck hidden on the rooftop or the challenging climb to an agility orb.

For all the fun it is, there are a fair few problems that do spoil Crackdown slightly, aside from the lack of a story. For a start you get punished for killing civilians by losing skill points. I don't mind this system particularly but later in the game when your grenades have a hit radius akin to a nuke it's impossible not to end up killing innocents along with gang members and being punished for this can sometimes be very irritating. If they'd altered the system so it ignored the death of innocents when gang members were also killed it would be much better, as constantly losing skill points makes upgrading that extra bit harder. Another minor irritation is the commentator for the game, a disembodied voice who gives you guidance as you go along. At first he seems awesome, giving you tips as you progress like a tutorial. After a while, however, you realise that he goes on giving you the same tips constantly thoughout the game, whether you're a raw recruit or a seasoned player. It's quite annoying being told in the middle of a firefight that the bar in the top left shows your health, when you've known that for the past 5 hours. He's also quite often wrong, telling me I'm about to die when I've actually got full health.

Still, these few problems are nothing more than minor irritations which you soon forget as you 'splode gang members with grenades, kick them far into the air with super strength and then leap away over a tall building, cackling with glee. It's also of note that the game features online co-op, allowing it to be played all the way through with a friend- a nice side effect of having no story. In conclusion then this is simply one of the most joyous experiences on the X360 right now and it's great whether you want a casual 10 minute laugh or a proper 2 hour playing session.

I give the game 83%