Well, good evening chaps, as you should know my name is John Neicho and I'm almost as godlike as the almighty Java (God why does the stupid spell checker keep trying to make me write my sir name as Nacho goddammit!) and I am here for the sole purpose of enlightening you to the wonderful world of cinema; and let us face it, what a wonderful world it is from cheap entertainment like alien versus predator, to crap game spin offs such as tomb raider and to great intellectual war tales such as flags of our fathers, cinemas has given us such joy my friends and I, you friendly neighborhood film buff am here to share and amplify the wonder!
Now, I move swiftly on to my first ever review, and you'll be pleased to know i start off on a good film unlike *cough* Clover field, which tried to be two genres at the same time *cough* This film is wondrously entitled 'All the boys love Mandy Lane' but only at the conclusion of this film does it become apparent that this is an excellent title and it is worth noting at this point that its very hard to review a film such as this, as much of its greatness is revealed as the story progresses and not form the get go, but you don't want spoilers now do you?
The story is that of an incredibly beautiful, late high school girl who goes for a party with a group of weird druggy nutters who keep trying to plow her pink, excuse my language my intellectual demeanor slipped for a moment there. But apart from these meager details , at the risk of letting slip those dreaded spoilerz of war, there is not much more i can tell you apart from the fact that about 7 people die during the film.
The film is brought back as a kind of reincarnation of the 80's hack and slash films, which i doubt many of you will have seen, and i myself had to do research on; and I have been told that the story and the twist at the end are both terribly hackneyed fro anyone around 40 something, but lets face it the average age of Steam goers and the like is about 15, so for us its incredibly fresh and a nice relief from such Hollywood tripe as the guiltily enjoyable 'clover field' or the brilliantly crap 'Aliens versus Predator: Requiem' its fun, with a nice inappropriate soundtrack and a madman launching fireworks at people.
So, what have i covered? It's good, check, It's got a great story for someone of my age (I'm 15 don't tell the coppers i got into it) check, it's a relief from the norm, check, the violence, ahhh the violence. Well this brings me to the bad point of the movie and to be honest it lets itself down quite badly on this front, for a film trying to re-imagine the hack and slash of yore it is horribly mild, especially for an 18! The violence starts off not to abruptly and shockingly, but none-the-less violently, after giving a blow job to Jake, cocaine-taking-bitch no. 1 has a shotgun push into her mouth and through some rough encouragement it breaks her jaw apart, cue blood and groans while looking at the person next to you. So, now your started off you can hear the fat bloke-sitting-two-seats-along's heartbeat like a Moria drum, but it rather disappointingly trails off form their, its not gory in the slightest. But leaving taht point behind as we climb another Mayan pyramid of move greatness we come to my last two points, the characterization and the shooting.
'All the boys love Mandy Lane' has excellent characterization in a film where so many character are thrust upon you so quickly, and when each one is killed, you feel both relieved for the bad things the person has done and you are upset at the good inside of them, and not giving away any spoilerz everyone means everyone. ending upon a high greater than the assorted cocaine-taking-bitches of this film i talk now of the camera work, which is just indescribably excellent, it would make make Bambi's mum come alive again it's so wonderful, and I really cant describe it it just blew me away on every single front imaginable!
That concludes my very first film review, next i shall possibly review 'There will be blood' or 'Rambo' (which is supposed to have the highest kill count know to man, so should be good, providing i can get in that is) and I strongly recommend this film to you, if you are not old enough to watch it and cannot sneak in, pirate it, who cares i disagree with this kind of shitty censorship anyway; and on that not i bid you a due.
Rundown -
Shooting: 9
Characterization: 7
Plot: 8
Effects: 8
Variable field dependent on context and genre - Violence: 4
Overall J-score: 7.5/10
If there is anything you would like little Johnny to know do not hesitate to email me at Johnny.neicho@sky.com.
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3 comments:
Nice.
Odd mix of slightly-too-intellectual analysis and random (and scary) double entendres. But no, it was very good, nicely written. As I said, the only thing I would improve is a slightly more informal tone, unless you're actually writing SERIOUS reviews :O
And less spoilers, now I know when I see the movie I'm going to be counting the body count. Other than that quite and entertaining and persuasive review.
And the average age is probably more around 17-18.
While we're on the constructive criticism bandwagon, can I suggest proofreading? Some additional punctuation may be worthwhile here.
Good review though. =D
Lukasa
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