Well, hello guys, before I start digging into the lovely meat of the film I would like to commend Javaguy on such a witty piece of satirical literature, Everything he says about me is true, he indeed knows me very well, so congratulations Java, very, very well done. With that out the way time for 'Rambo'.
'Rambo' is a gory film, in-fact it borders on genocide and the kill rate could be compared to the holocaust and this makes it highly unsuitable for children, wimps and people who don't like people being shot, also it has allot of murder, torture and rape with the added bonus of footage of real Burmese atrocities. so, lovely you are thinking sarcastically and you would probably be thinking right, DO NOT SEE THIS IF THE IDEA OF RAMBO DEALING VERY STRICT REVENGE ON SAVAGES, WITH THEIR SAVAGERY BEING DEPICTED IN DETAIL. On the other hand, if like me, you are a sick demented bastard who likes to watch chavs be stabbed in the kidneys repeatedly while screaming in in-human agony, this my friend, is the film for you.
The story is basic Rambo, set in Burma and thats about it, the most important thing about this film has been its superior action. The first thing worth pointing out on this front, would be that of the ballistics and the way they blow stuff apart. Now, i was fortunate enough to have an ex-soldier sitting next to me in the cinema, who upon the first scene was amazed at just how realistic bullet sounds, effects and wounds were, and this is an actual quote "Wow, I'm gonna start ducking in a minute!" 'Nuff said.
Now, don't get me wrong the very idea of Rambo is corny, but this film has NO cheesy lines that make you grimace and the few breaks in the action take nothing away from this short but tense piece of art, the pace is fast visually eloquent and elegant, and the visceral adrenaline rush you feel as yet another cardboard cut out rapist is blown to pieces with a 50. cal machine gun, is nothing but truly awe inspiring and when i say blown to pieces i mean blown to pieces. assorted anatomical components fly thick and furiously in this utterly amazing chunk of brilliant cinema, the music blares out as AK47's churn out slug after slug and a barrette 50. cal blows Burmese soldiers 50 feet down the road and there really is nothing to fault, seriously, this is like Yahtzee's review of portal, this is a mute review, 'Rambo' is good, very, very good.
The structure is wonderful as well, The Burmese are built up so evilly it's in-human AND THIS JUST EXACERBATES YOU INSATIABLE BLOOD-LUST, YOU WANT THESE PEOPLE KILLED SO BADLY YOU ARE WILLING TO DISMEMBER GHANDI TO GET JUSTICE!!!! Sorry i shouldn't have go t so pumped there, my legs are still shaking from the adrenaline thats how good this film really is, shame there was only two flamethrowers though...
If you can be bothered to look however there are small American allegories popping up everywhere, but i didn't eve notice till my hate fulled Dad pointed them out, so, the best way to think of the film upon entering is a 90 minute chunk of American action and the American's are great and just appreciate this superb rage filled adventure for what it is; and thats why this small negative paragraph is stuck right on the bottom, it is insignificant, to a very great degree. see this film NOW.
Rundown -
Shooting: 8
Characterization: 9
Soundtrack: 7
Plot: 7
Effects: 10
Variable field dependent on context and genre - YES, YES KILL THE MOTHERFUCKER NOW!!!!!! NOW!!!!!!!! YEEEEEEEEES! - 10
Overall J-score: 9/10 J-FILM MUST SEE
If there is anything you would like little Johnny to know or would like to subscribe to my mass mailing alert service do not hesitate to email me at Johnny.neicho@sky.com
Thursday, February 28, 2008
A J-Film review. No, that’s JAVA FILM :D
The other day I watched a film. I quite liked it and so am going to review it now, just like jsnuk. Actually, that's a lie because this film is a PROPER FILM. It doesn't have any clever subtexts. It contains no metaphors. It is, in other words, what films should be like. It's also in black and white. Not because the director wanted to explore a complex issue that could only be realized in black and white but because its old and in the olden days colour hadn't been invented. I therefore won't be reviewing it like Jsnuk because I won't devote several paragraphs to exploring any complex figurative elements.
I now realise that I'm a paragraph in and still haven't actually mentioned the film's name. Grudgingly I shall now do so: The film is called 'The Wrong Arm of The Law', made in 1961 starring Peter Sellers. It's a comedy caper film very much in the style of The Italian Job. Being made in the 60s its innocent stuff, with the crooks apologizing profusely to the police when they accidentally hit them. It's certainly a far cry from the chavs of today and it did make me a little sad, seeing how innocent times were in the 1960s. Of course it's hardly a representation of the crime around then, some of which was awful, but still.
The star of the film, as I said, is Peter Sellers, a renowned comic and rightly so. Famous for playing Inspector Clouseau in The Pink Panther he steals the show here, showing off his mastery of accents. The film has many other actors but I can't be bothered to write about them. They were alright.
I don't really know what to write about next, not wanting to go all Jsnuk on you all and start telling the story so I shall put this thing out of its misery. It isn't really an amazing film, clearly aimed at a family audience and perhaps a little limited because of this, relying mainly on slapstick humour. Still, it's fun, and that's all that matters, isn't it. ISN'T IT, JSNUK?
I shall give the film a rating of 8, as it had an Aston Martin DB5 in it, which I liked.
If you have anything you'd like little java to know then you can sod right off, he doesn't like being referred to as little.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Why I hate delays...
Valve are taking their time. Left 4 dead is not coming until Spetember-ish. I had so been hoping for a spring release, but that seems not to be. I understand there is no hurry, and I understand they want to make it perfect, for L4D is coming with an entire new steam feature, but I hate knowing that I am going to have to wait, when I have already been waiting for a very long time...
Team Fortress 2 is also progressing slowly. Badlands arrived, and this makes me happy. However, the map I am really waiting for is Goldrush. This is an entirely new game style, not just another Control Point map. Every day I start up steam expectantly... and every day my soul dies a little. I am a patient guy; I waited for Heroes to come to BBC so I could watch it in widescreen without adverts, but when they are this close, it is painful.
I also can't wait for a new "Meet the..." video. Hopefully one is immintent....
And it is not only Valve who give me pain. Blizzard are just as bad. I am not a WoW guy, but since my PC is kinda old now, I am excited to the max by Starcraft 2. This is predicted to come out late summer, but Blizzard alway take their time, so I am already expecting major delays.
And the final kick in the teeth.. the Star Trek movie has been pushed from it's Christmas 2008 release to May 2009.
The upside, I have no doubt in my mind that all of these will be the better for their delayed releases. They will all be awesome. Just not yet....
Team Fortress 2 is also progressing slowly. Badlands arrived, and this makes me happy. However, the map I am really waiting for is Goldrush. This is an entirely new game style, not just another Control Point map. Every day I start up steam expectantly... and every day my soul dies a little. I am a patient guy; I waited for Heroes to come to BBC so I could watch it in widescreen without adverts, but when they are this close, it is painful.
I also can't wait for a new "Meet the..." video. Hopefully one is immintent....
And it is not only Valve who give me pain. Blizzard are just as bad. I am not a WoW guy, but since my PC is kinda old now, I am excited to the max by Starcraft 2. This is predicted to come out late summer, but Blizzard alway take their time, so I am already expecting major delays.
And the final kick in the teeth.. the Star Trek movie has been pushed from it's Christmas 2008 release to May 2009.
The upside, I have no doubt in my mind that all of these will be the better for their delayed releases. They will all be awesome. Just not yet....
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Javaserver festivities!
How did you spend your birthday last year? With some relatives? The odd friend? Well, this year Hotdog Man spent his birthday with 20 other Javaserver players, and we had a bit of a party, courtesy of tf_birthday 1
an MP3 of us all "singing" Happy Birthday is coming soon, but for now we can remember the day with pictures :)
Picture
an MP3 of us all "singing" Happy Birthday is coming soon, but for now we can remember the day with pictures :)
Picture
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Are games art?
The debate about games and art has gone on for a few years now, with gamers arguing that they are and directors arguing they are not. Over the past few days I've considered this subject myself and have come to a fairly simple conclusion.
If I was to give the names of a few comedy films- Bruce Almighty, Rat Race, Airplane, to name but a few, I'd be scorned by movie directors everywhere. Their mocking laughter would echo round the walls of their Georgian mansions. If, however, I was to mention The Godfather, Amilie and Atonement these same directors would nod their heads, grunt their acknowledgement and let me taste their 1852 claret.
So why is this? Why is one group of films considered to be more artistic than the other? The simple answer is their purpose. When you go into the cinema to watch Bruce Almighty you go there for entertainment. When you go to watch The Brief Encounter you don't enjoy yourself per se, you go for the experience, to be taken on an intellectual journey, to explore emotions that you wouldn't feel if it were not for empathy with the characters that the film develops.
Put simply: For me the key factor that differentiates between an arty film and a trashy film is whether you watch the film for the experience or for the entertainment. For example you don't "enjoy" a sad film. You watch it to be affected by it.
Using this criterion for games, for me, solves the "are games art?" question. If I played a game for the experience, to be told a story, because I had an emotional attachment for the characters then it truly is art. If I played a game solely for its mechanics then it is not:
Art
Max Payne 1/2
GTA San Andreas (I got really involved in the story, yet many people didn't)
Oblivion (side quests, not the main story)
Mafia (I felt really quite choked up on occasions)
Not art
Everything else
Obviously this list is only valid for me. Whether you played a game for the experience is personal to you. Maybe you only played oblivion because you liked killing trolls. Maybe you found the Half Life 2 storyline engaged you.
Another interesting thing is that, for me at least, the number of non artistic games far outweighs the number of artistic ones. I think this is due to the history of gaming. Until very recently computers haven't had the power to tell a story convincingly. Gaming first developed purely for entertainment with titles Frogger, Space Invaders and Doom having no narrative whatsoever. To some extent game designers are still stuck in this era, as are the film directors so quick to criticize gaming. Is this a bad thing? I think not. I love nothing more than losing myself in a match of UT3 or TF2. These games certainly aren't art in the traditional sense, but what they lose in that they make up for in being fun to play, UT3 is pure escapism in a way that Max Payne is not.
Anyway, these are just my thoughts. You may have a different opinion. I've made a very simple distinction between what is and isn't art in this article but at the end of the day it's up to you what is and isn't art. It's a very personal thing, and something that will no doubt cause debate far into the future.
J-Film #2 - 'There will be blood'
I shall start this edition of J-film with a formal plea, and that is, please sign up to my alert service for new and up and coming reviews so i can help get the word about the new review across allot easier, thank you. All you have to do is E-mail me expressing interest and i shall add oyu to my mass mailing list and send a confirmation E-mail to you!
Now, to the matter at hand, 'There will be blood' is good, very good, better than 'Mandy Lane' in fact and thats saying something. But, although it may be good, its is reaching around the 3 hour mark, which, to some, is far to long for a film; but then I'm a Cine-art Fag so feel free not to see this film on the premise that its long and boring to the common or garden chav. But with the insults out of the way its time to focus on what makes this film so spectacular.
The film does suffer a little from some areas of disjointedness, but this is to be expected as it is developed from an equally arty book entitled 'oil!' and these sorts of art-to-art cross-medium transfers are always hard on the subject matter, but in truth its extremely artistic and seems to lose none of its actual direction during the cross over.
The story begins with an out of luck miner named William Plainview discovering some sort of diamond or something (I was picking up my drink at the time, while simultaneously trying to open my minstrel packet) which makes him wealthy, or at least wealthy enough to start digging for oil with his some H.W. and after finding some 'black gold' he becomes truly rich and begins to spread his arms around the whole state. While working on a new and recently successful derrick, Plainview is approached by a young man by the name of Paul Sunday, who is handed some money for an exciting oil prospect; so, with his son in tow, Daniel Plainview heads up to 'Little Boston' and quickly buys the whole place, which is where our tale of ever increasing corruption, greed, revenge at the world and of 'having a fulfilled life' begins.
Most of the story seems to lead nowhere at the time it is viewed, but upon the close of the film the artistic destination and 'point' come vividly apparent, if you can ignore the soundtrack, yes thats right, although it shows how good I think this film is, that i can only find two flaws to this film, the soundtrack is awesomely crap, in fact allot of the subtler plot movements and messages that the film likes to bring up can be missed by pondering "Where the hell did they dig up this horrifying soundtrack!?" It really is horrifying and thats because it is a Horror soundtrack, it barely ever fits the pace or the plot of the film and when it does its still a lump of steaming turd among the pristine cinnamon rolls that are the other aspects of this great work of art. You all remember that air raid siren remix thing from uncounted horror movies? even that makes an appearance in the opening moments of the movie as does that strange soundtrack where you can just about hear whispers in the background! It's appalling, but luckily you can eventually numb yourself out to it at around the 1 hour mark.
Well the acting is fairly awesome (I have never been one to spot acting and an actors performance has never really done much for me) and the shooting is quite nice with some lovely oil fire scenes and the characterization is absolutely superb, with all the characters reacting perfectly to their situation and developing on levels more complex than anything mainstream like 'Jumper' or even the masterfully characterized 'Spider-man' films.
Theres not really much more to say, this film delves into unexplored crevasses of art and philosophical speculation, It has one of the most memorable end scenes and lines and cannot be faulted on anything but the stupid soundtrack and occasional leaps in the story, which is obviously more better suited to a book, but still retains an ultimate aura of tantalization and wonder, that your sure not to forget any time soon, if at all.
Next time, i shall be reviewing 'Rambo' (if i dont finally sucumb and go an watch 'Jumper') and you should look forward to 'Diary of the dead', George A. Romero's Zombies gone the way of 'Blair Witch' and, note the groan of disappointment, 'Clover field' with a 'Steady Cam' twist
Rundown -
Shooting: 7
Characterization: 9
Soundtrack: 3
Plot: 9
Effects: 8
Variable field dependent on context and genre - Artistic Direction and Questions raised: 9
Overall J-score: 8/10
If there is anything you would like little Johnny to know or would like to subscribe to my mass mailing alert service do not hesitate to email me at Johnny.neicho@sky.com
Now, to the matter at hand, 'There will be blood' is good, very good, better than 'Mandy Lane' in fact and thats saying something. But, although it may be good, its is reaching around the 3 hour mark, which, to some, is far to long for a film; but then I'm a Cine-art Fag so feel free not to see this film on the premise that its long and boring to the common or garden chav. But with the insults out of the way its time to focus on what makes this film so spectacular.
The film does suffer a little from some areas of disjointedness, but this is to be expected as it is developed from an equally arty book entitled 'oil!' and these sorts of art-to-art cross-medium transfers are always hard on the subject matter, but in truth its extremely artistic and seems to lose none of its actual direction during the cross over.
The story begins with an out of luck miner named William Plainview discovering some sort of diamond or something (I was picking up my drink at the time, while simultaneously trying to open my minstrel packet) which makes him wealthy, or at least wealthy enough to start digging for oil with his some H.W. and after finding some 'black gold' he becomes truly rich and begins to spread his arms around the whole state. While working on a new and recently successful derrick, Plainview is approached by a young man by the name of Paul Sunday, who is handed some money for an exciting oil prospect; so, with his son in tow, Daniel Plainview heads up to 'Little Boston' and quickly buys the whole place, which is where our tale of ever increasing corruption, greed, revenge at the world and of 'having a fulfilled life' begins.
Most of the story seems to lead nowhere at the time it is viewed, but upon the close of the film the artistic destination and 'point' come vividly apparent, if you can ignore the soundtrack, yes thats right, although it shows how good I think this film is, that i can only find two flaws to this film, the soundtrack is awesomely crap, in fact allot of the subtler plot movements and messages that the film likes to bring up can be missed by pondering "Where the hell did they dig up this horrifying soundtrack!?" It really is horrifying and thats because it is a Horror soundtrack, it barely ever fits the pace or the plot of the film and when it does its still a lump of steaming turd among the pristine cinnamon rolls that are the other aspects of this great work of art. You all remember that air raid siren remix thing from uncounted horror movies? even that makes an appearance in the opening moments of the movie as does that strange soundtrack where you can just about hear whispers in the background! It's appalling, but luckily you can eventually numb yourself out to it at around the 1 hour mark.
Well the acting is fairly awesome (I have never been one to spot acting and an actors performance has never really done much for me) and the shooting is quite nice with some lovely oil fire scenes and the characterization is absolutely superb, with all the characters reacting perfectly to their situation and developing on levels more complex than anything mainstream like 'Jumper' or even the masterfully characterized 'Spider-man' films.
Theres not really much more to say, this film delves into unexplored crevasses of art and philosophical speculation, It has one of the most memorable end scenes and lines and cannot be faulted on anything but the stupid soundtrack and occasional leaps in the story, which is obviously more better suited to a book, but still retains an ultimate aura of tantalization and wonder, that your sure not to forget any time soon, if at all.
Next time, i shall be reviewing 'Rambo' (if i dont finally sucumb and go an watch 'Jumper') and you should look forward to 'Diary of the dead', George A. Romero's Zombies gone the way of 'Blair Witch' and, note the groan of disappointment, 'Clover field' with a 'Steady Cam' twist
Rundown -
Shooting: 7
Characterization: 9
Soundtrack: 3
Plot: 9
Effects: 8
Variable field dependent on context and genre - Artistic Direction and Questions raised: 9
Overall J-score: 8/10
If there is anything you would like little Johnny to know or would like to subscribe to my mass mailing alert service do not hesitate to email me at Johnny.neicho@sky.com
A translation of DDude’s review of my review of reviews. Review coming soon.
DDude's review, translated:
Javaguy wanted to be funny rather than impartial, so people find the funny to be LOL but then they don't actually learn anything. He doesn't actually talk about reviewing at all but does show how to make funny openings with words. He also used custard creams, which makes him smart and possibly Chinese. Also ancient.
I think I'm going to steal Java's review score because it pwns. He gives an insight into how BLOODY ANNOYING writing a review is but otherwise it's a useless, crap piece of writing that isn't worthy of the HTML its formatted in.
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