I love TF2. I play on Javaserver, mainly because I love the company. I am good, because I play a lot, but I am not brilliant. I do, and this is the important part, get very exited over moments of brilliance. They keep me buzzing for weeks. This is the latest one...
I few nights ago we were playing on Gravelpit. For those not in the know, this is a map based around attack vs defence. One team must capture two points before moving onto a third to win the game, the other team must hold out for a set time to win. This is fun.
We were defending, and we were being pushed back. We had lost the first two points and things looked bleak. I decided to try my hand at engineer, a class whose main job is to build big sentry guns. I went to set one up in on of the corridors the other team would come through.
Sadly I was interrupted. A Heavy and medic combo ran around the corner and blew my just put up level one turret away. I jumped back, around the corner, and they did not see me.
But I did not back away. I had my wrench out, and I ran at them. They were distracted, looking the other way.
First to feel my wrath was a sniper. He never saw me coming, and I smacked him with my wrench. One down.
Then the medic fell. With a crit, my wrench smited him. Two down.
And then the heavy, and old enemy, was startled by my presence. He is a slow class to react. If he could turn his minigun on me I would be torn to shreds. But I had a few short seconds while his gun rotated up to speed, and in that time I hit him twice. Crit. Crit. Dead.
And there I was, a lowly, unprepared Enjy. Standing on the corpses of three of mine enemies.
It was a glorious feeling.
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Monday, April 21, 2008
PGR3 review
It says something about the human condition that the manufacturers of washing machines made the dials on the front click when they were moved, just because people preferred them that way. It says something about me that I've yet to find a more satisfying feeling in any racing game than, when pulling off an immense powerslide in PGR3, you hear the little Kudos meter in the top left of the screen clicking away, quantifying your awesome trick, affirming by the small chime at the end that yes, that was an incredible drift.
The encouragement of stylish driving has always been at the heart of the PGR series, with the Kudos meter awarding you points based on how stylishly you complete its many challenges, creating a very different focus to the game. In PGR3 the most formidable opponent you will face is yourself. You'll curse yourself for each corner you miss. You'll swear when you hit the wall, trying to pull the biggest slide possible. By comparison you probably won't care if you get overtaken by an AI racer, regarding it as a minor inconvenience.
The bulk of PGR3 lies in its solo career mode where, as previously mentioned, you race your way through a series of events, typically with 3 challenges per event, to get a shiny cup. What makes PGR unique is that these challenges are very rarely straight out races. You'll be faced with challenges asking you to overtake 5 people in a minute, you might have to complete a long course in 20 seconds, made possible by every stylish move you make stopping the clock. The variety of challenges is huge and this helps to keep the game fresh, despite the fairly limited track variations.
Apart from the test track every track in the game is set in one of three cities- London, NY and Tokyo and the big gimmick of PGR3 is that the whole city is rendered in the game, so in theory there is a limitless combination of tracks. This does, however fall down in practice with most of the tracks included by default (you can make your own in a track editor) looking, and behaving, exactly the same- 90o corners, long straights, the occasional view of a city landmark. Once you've mastered driving on one of PGR3s tracks you've pretty much mastered them all, it'd have been great if the developers had included some real tracks to race on to give the game more longevity.
While the tracks leave a little to be desired the cars in PGR3 certainly do not. You're given a supercar right from the very start of the game, in contrast to games like Gran Turismo where you're pootling about in a hatchback at 30mph for the first few hours. It says something about the selection of cars in the game that there is a "walk around garage" option, allowing you to drink in every small detail on the lovingly modelled cars.
Obviously such a large collection of cars and tracks is useless if the games driving physics aren't sound and, for the most part they are. PGR3 certainly isn't a serious racing simulator in the way that titles like Forza are- drifting is almost insultingly easy and it's very rare that you won't be in total control of your car, no matter how ridiculously fast you're going.
In fact, difficulty seems to be a bit of a problem in PGR3- opponents in every challenge are selected according to what car you have so there is absolutely no incentive to use anything than the cheapest car, which is also the easiest to drive. You can pick a difficulty at the beginning of each challenge but rather than making the races harder it simply sets higher targets, for example on "professional" you have to come first in every race, compared to third on "medium" difficulty. It's an interesting idea but the races are so easy that getting first place really is no hassle at all. Some of the non-race events are more challenging, the timed events in particular coming down to the last 10 seconds nearly every time but nothing beats the thrill of a tough race and it's a pity that PGR3 never quite manages to deliver this thrill.
Difficulty issues can be rectified by taking part in the Xbox Live online mode included, but this requires Xbox Live gold and in my experience the XBL community are awful racers, preferring to ram you off the track than have a proper race, and swearing at you endlessly if you mess up and hit them.
With PGR4 now in the shops you can pick up PGR3 for less than a tenner and for that much it's very definitely worth it. Its great fun to play with friends, one challenge each, but once you've experienced all the challenge types and bought all the cars (which will take less time than you think) PGR quickly loses its appeal, without a decent online community and with too little challenge in its offline modes
79%
Saturday, April 12, 2008
J-Film #11- 'Pathology'
Today I would like to start by letting you know that this film was fucking hard to get into (for good reason, see further down). My film session began with me entering the rather large and glassy lobby of Stevange Cineworld, as you could probably expect. This went swimmingly: I didn't get hit by any irate cinema-goer unfortunate enough to actually buy a ticket to 'Meet the Spartans' or trip over the door frame like a flid (why that isn't in the dictionary I really don't know). The problem arose when I met with the ticket geezer (for want of a nicer term) who, rather rudely I thought, asked my age.
I said I was 18, but had left my ID at home, and all I had to show was my HAND card (Harts Additional Need Database). He then asked me my birthday. "Simple" you all unanimously breathe in smug tones, but unfortunately I am horrible at mental arithmetic. Basically, I cannot subtract 18 from 2008 without looking retarded. "Wait!" I thought to myself. "I have handed him my retard card, I am meant to look like a retard." Thus, in a flash of mental prowess, I told him "I don't remember", whereupon I fidgeted for a bit. That my dear friends and disciples, is how I single-handedly made not just the entire queue for the ticket booth, but also the ticket geezer, very uncomfortable, and gained access to a truly epic film.
On with the film then. Well first of all, its more of an 18 than 'Rambo'; hell, its more of an 18 than 'Homicide 4: The Barbed Dildo Chronicles' (Dildo isn't in the dictionary -.- BOBLIKE). It involves a lot of consequence free murder, a lot of sickening body parts, rib crackers and a sick game played by psychopaths, whereupon one of the circle kills someone in an odd way, and the others have to use their pathological (have a clap for guessing pathology was involved) skill to work out how exactly they did it. Well, no; it doesn't sound too dark, but its complete moral ambiguity is deeply disturbing, as are its oddly deep subtexts and comments on society and the modern world and how it doesn't fulfill itself. However, this is an artfully (read: poncy) unfulfilled film, and even though I saw it yesterday afternoon, I am still deeply disturbed by the whole thing.
With that out of the way it may be time to focus on the more technical aspects of the film. I think I'll start with the sound track. AllI know is that it's either average, poor, or non-existent. That's right, I don't remember it at all; this could be from the soundtrack being the aforementioned things, or it could be a mix of that and my tainted love for the film. Moving in a deliberate, logical fashion it may be time to judge the shooting quality of the film, and guess what? I don't care if it isn't, because I'm going to do it anyway. The film uses largely defined film principles, uses all the rules, except that of the growing trend of no establishing shot, which could probably be considered a rule now anyway. The rule of thirds, etc. etc. is all there, but at the same time that takes up all the room leaving a lot of arty shots unattended, and leaving the hotel without paying.
Finally, I am going to dedicate a whole paragraph to the effects. In short, they are brilliantly gory, artful and dark which makes a complete and brilliant poncy infusion, which compliments the film's storyline. In long, the lighting on all the gore, especially towards the beginning (artfully getting darker towards the end, as do the shots themselves, although, as I have previously mentioned, the shots considered in a technical sense are nothing special) makes it seem unreal, seemingly ineffective, but very strangely it seems to make it very disturbing, creating a world that could perhaps be described as "through the psychopath's eyes" which indeed makes he aforementioned darkening of the scenes and the gore border upon even more planes of understanding and sense, as the characters degrade even further. Need a break? Don't worry: that's the end of the issue.
Next issue...actually, you know what? I'll surprise you. J-film quiz on Monday, if you want an invite to the steam group contact me.
Rundown -
Shooting: 6
Characterisation: 9
Soundtrack: 5
Plot: 9
Effects: 9
Variable field dependent on context and genre - moral ambiguity: 9
Overall J-score: 9/10
If there is anything you would like little Johnny to know do not hesitate to email me at Johnny.neicho@sky.com (For God's sake, just e-mail me some granny porn or something)
I said I was 18, but had left my ID at home, and all I had to show was my HAND card (Harts Additional Need Database). He then asked me my birthday. "Simple" you all unanimously breathe in smug tones, but unfortunately I am horrible at mental arithmetic. Basically, I cannot subtract 18 from 2008 without looking retarded. "Wait!" I thought to myself. "I have handed him my retard card, I am meant to look like a retard." Thus, in a flash of mental prowess, I told him "I don't remember", whereupon I fidgeted for a bit. That my dear friends and disciples, is how I single-handedly made not just the entire queue for the ticket booth, but also the ticket geezer, very uncomfortable, and gained access to a truly epic film.
On with the film then. Well first of all, its more of an 18 than 'Rambo'; hell, its more of an 18 than 'Homicide 4: The Barbed Dildo Chronicles' (Dildo isn't in the dictionary -.- BOBLIKE). It involves a lot of consequence free murder, a lot of sickening body parts, rib crackers and a sick game played by psychopaths, whereupon one of the circle kills someone in an odd way, and the others have to use their pathological (have a clap for guessing pathology was involved) skill to work out how exactly they did it. Well, no; it doesn't sound too dark, but its complete moral ambiguity is deeply disturbing, as are its oddly deep subtexts and comments on society and the modern world and how it doesn't fulfill itself. However, this is an artfully (read: poncy) unfulfilled film, and even though I saw it yesterday afternoon, I am still deeply disturbed by the whole thing.
With that out of the way it may be time to focus on the more technical aspects of the film. I think I'll start with the sound track. AllI know is that it's either average, poor, or non-existent. That's right, I don't remember it at all; this could be from the soundtrack being the aforementioned things, or it could be a mix of that and my tainted love for the film. Moving in a deliberate, logical fashion it may be time to judge the shooting quality of the film, and guess what? I don't care if it isn't, because I'm going to do it anyway. The film uses largely defined film principles, uses all the rules, except that of the growing trend of no establishing shot, which could probably be considered a rule now anyway. The rule of thirds, etc. etc. is all there, but at the same time that takes up all the room leaving a lot of arty shots unattended, and leaving the hotel without paying.
Finally, I am going to dedicate a whole paragraph to the effects. In short, they are brilliantly gory, artful and dark which makes a complete and brilliant poncy infusion, which compliments the film's storyline. In long, the lighting on all the gore, especially towards the beginning (artfully getting darker towards the end, as do the shots themselves, although, as I have previously mentioned, the shots considered in a technical sense are nothing special) makes it seem unreal, seemingly ineffective, but very strangely it seems to make it very disturbing, creating a world that could perhaps be described as "through the psychopath's eyes" which indeed makes he aforementioned darkening of the scenes and the gore border upon even more planes of understanding and sense, as the characters degrade even further. Need a break? Don't worry: that's the end of the issue.
Next issue...actually, you know what? I'll surprise you. J-film quiz on Monday, if you want an invite to the steam group contact me.
Rundown -
Shooting: 6
Characterisation: 9
Soundtrack: 5
Plot: 9
Effects: 9
Variable field dependent on context and genre - moral ambiguity: 9
Overall J-score: 9/10
If there is anything you would like little Johnny to know do not hesitate to email me at Johnny.neicho@sky.com (For God's sake, just e-mail me some granny porn or something)
Off on Holiday
I was going to go and watch The Orphange and provide you with a review, but it is sadly not showing anywhere at a useful time.
I'm off to Devon for a week with family. Should be fun.
Happy Birthday Java.
See you all later.
I'm off to Devon for a week with family. Should be fun.
Happy Birthday Java.
See you all later.
Monday, April 7, 2008
Long or Short posts
Just a quick question.
Do you like short posts or long posts. I try to keep my anecdotes short, but I let my reviews trail on.
Do we need to better self-edit oursleves? Should we blog what we feel, regardless? Do you give up on long posts automatically?
Do you like short posts or long posts. I try to keep my anecdotes short, but I let my reviews trail on.
Do we need to better self-edit oursleves? Should we blog what we feel, regardless? Do you give up on long posts automatically?
Sunday, April 6, 2008
J-Film #10 - 'Son of Rambow'
If you haven't heard of this film, you must be suffering from a rather severe case of death. It has been all over the TV, all over the radio and all over the net, and on all of these places it has been rated as a superb film. I am obliged to agree with them: the film is very, very good.
Its filmed lovingly, with a loving story and a lovable cast of characters, and yes, while it's lovable, and syrupy, and chuck-worthy and not my cup of mountain dew, this probably goes a long way to explain its extreme commercial success; after all, the media and East-Ender riddled cretins love a nice, happy tale, full of loveliness. But I'm afraid that'll never be me.
However, if you do happen to like this sort of thing, it's practically a perfect example of the genre. There is not much to say about it, really, it is a lovely moist cake of loveliness, with a filling of lovely and some humour drizzled on top. It really is quite good.
This film wouldn't have scored so highly with me, but for one very important feature: it pisses straight in the face of religion. Now, I'm not trying to say I hate religion...oh wait, I do. To avoid getting into an argument I'll just say that I really loved how the film did this, and consequently it's going to get an extra point in the rundown.
I realise this is a relatively short review, but there isn't much to say: it just works. And just like 'Hair Spray' and many others, while it's nothing spectacular, its very nature means that it becomes a shining beacon of win.
On another note, next time I shall be looking at either 'Never Back Down' or 'Funny Games'. If it ever comes out at fucking Stevenage Cineworld that is.
Rundown -
Shooting: 8
Characterization: 9
Soundtrack: 6
Plot: 8
Effects: 8
Variable field dependent on context and genre - Kicking religion in 'teh nutz': 10
Overall J-score: 9/10
If there is anything you would like little Johnny to know do not hesitate to email him at Johnny.neicho@sky.com (Oh Comon)
Its filmed lovingly, with a loving story and a lovable cast of characters, and yes, while it's lovable, and syrupy, and chuck-worthy and not my cup of mountain dew, this probably goes a long way to explain its extreme commercial success; after all, the media and East-Ender riddled cretins love a nice, happy tale, full of loveliness. But I'm afraid that'll never be me.
However, if you do happen to like this sort of thing, it's practically a perfect example of the genre. There is not much to say about it, really, it is a lovely moist cake of loveliness, with a filling of lovely and some humour drizzled on top. It really is quite good.
This film wouldn't have scored so highly with me, but for one very important feature: it pisses straight in the face of religion. Now, I'm not trying to say I hate religion...oh wait, I do. To avoid getting into an argument I'll just say that I really loved how the film did this, and consequently it's going to get an extra point in the rundown.
I realise this is a relatively short review, but there isn't much to say: it just works. And just like 'Hair Spray' and many others, while it's nothing spectacular, its very nature means that it becomes a shining beacon of win.
On another note, next time I shall be looking at either 'Never Back Down' or 'Funny Games'. If it ever comes out at fucking Stevenage Cineworld that is.
Rundown -
Shooting: 8
Characterization: 9
Soundtrack: 6
Plot: 8
Effects: 8
Variable field dependent on context and genre - Kicking religion in 'teh nutz': 10
Overall J-score: 9/10
If there is anything you would like little Johnny to know do not hesitate to email him at Johnny.neicho@sky.com (Oh Comon)
Saturday, April 5, 2008
Greatest Day Ever!
I try not to talk about football here too much, but I figured I could share with you all one of the gretest experiences of my life.
Last Sunday I was one of the 39,994 people who paid a visit to Stamford Bridge to watch Chelsea play Middlesbrough, in a Premier League game. It was the first time I have ever visited a Premier League match, and it was amazing.
I am not a Chelsea fan, but I felt like one. When Carvalho nods in the first goal, and everyone around me went wild, I felt a magnificent tingly sensation that I have never felt before. It was so liberating, to be able to look wherever I wanted to, to see what I could see, without replays, living the game in the moment. It was so humanising, to be able to see these players in real life, to watch how they play.
The seats we had were truly incredible. I don’t not really have a yard-stick to judge them by, but I understand that being in the front row of the third tier, almost level with the centre circle, is amazing.
I have never felt like this before. Never before have I been able to watch what the keepers do when no-one else is around!
It was an exhilarating experience, and I now have a new goal in life - to go and see England play a proper competitive international at Wembley.
Last Sunday I was one of the 39,994 people who paid a visit to Stamford Bridge to watch Chelsea play Middlesbrough, in a Premier League game. It was the first time I have ever visited a Premier League match, and it was amazing.
I am not a Chelsea fan, but I felt like one. When Carvalho nods in the first goal, and everyone around me went wild, I felt a magnificent tingly sensation that I have never felt before. It was so liberating, to be able to look wherever I wanted to, to see what I could see, without replays, living the game in the moment. It was so humanising, to be able to see these players in real life, to watch how they play.
The seats we had were truly incredible. I don’t not really have a yard-stick to judge them by, but I understand that being in the front row of the third tier, almost level with the centre circle, is amazing.
I have never felt like this before. Never before have I been able to watch what the keepers do when no-one else is around!
It was an exhilarating experience, and I now have a new goal in life - to go and see England play a proper competitive international at Wembley.
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