Brian's Guide to...

Any of you who have read John Walkers wonderful blog will probably have read some of his "Brian's Guide to..." comics. They rule; so I made an attempt to make my own. I am not that good at Art. Infact, you could say I am terrible, but I like this. Please take a look. Please laugh. Please!

http://i274.photobucket.com/albums/jj280/ddude700/brianslightbulb-cropped.jpg

Two Worlds review.

It would be very easy for me to write a scathing review of Two Worlds, dismissing it as a lacklusture oblivion clone. To do so, however, would be to ignore its many charms and innovations that help make it an enjoyable 40 hour RPG, albeit a 40 hour RPG with a fair few issues. I may as well start by explaining these issues as your tolerance of them will pretty much determine whether you should buy the game.

The first of these flaws is apparent pretty much as soon as you begin: The combat is rubbish. Killing enemies is a matter of hammering the left mouse button as fast as you can and hoping you don't get hit. A block function is conspicuous by its absence, replaced by "dodge", which causes your character to hop backwards, avoiding an enemy attack. This function is, however, too cumbersome to use frequently and this gives rise to the tactic of heal killing. When you die in Two Worlds you respawn at a resurrection point, which also heals you if you go near it. These points are so plentiful that combat becomes a matter of luring the enemies to the point, where you will be constantly healed, and then mashing the left mouse button.

These healing points, however, also encapsulate what is good about Two Worlds. On all difficulty settings but "hard" your dying has no adverse affect on your character. He loses no experience, no items, nothing. It makes Two Worlds much more accessible than other RPGs, you won't be punished for getting yourself into tough situations, of which there are many thanks to the crazy agro system and fairly punishing difficulty that means you'll always be fighting/getting killed by 5 or more monsters at once. One of the more amusing tactics to deal with this is to run round and round so the six wolves, four bandits and two bears following you all hit each other and start fighting amongst themselves, allowing you to retreat and watch from a safe distance.

The surprising honesty with which combat is approached means that if you get in the way of a weapon you're going to get hit, no matter who it was intended for, the same applying to arrows. It all implies that there is a strong physics engine behind the game, as does the compulsory installation of the PhysX drivers. This, however seems sadly not to be true. While enemies do become ragdolls on death the rest of the world seems devoid of any physics at all, with objects glued to tables and characters/horses struggling to navigate the terrain.

The wide variety of issues certainly have the potential to be game running for some people and if you're expecting Two Worlds to be the next Oblivion you'll probably be disappointed. 'tis no matter though, for if you've got this far I'm going to assume you can live with the above and are ready to move on to what is so good about Two Worlds. The delicious apple pie (of +2 apples) after the bland casserole of problems above. Also: Yum, apple pie.

And yet, it's hard to pin down any one feature that makes Two Worlds so enjoyable, despite its flaws. The whole game just seems to have had a lot of love put into it, apparent by the manual that has 32 pages of general information about the world before it gets to how to play it. It's a lot more… personal than the like of Oblivion, which are often polished to the point of being soulless. It also has a lot more humour than other RPGS, whether intentional or not.

Another strong point of Two Worlds is the graphics. While the game suffers from an incredibly close draw distance for buildings it has some amazing vistas and dense foliage, with some of the nicest trees I’ve seen in any RPG. There are also some really nice weapon models, textured surprisingly intricately for a game that doesn’t demand that much from your PC.

Not only are Two Worlds’ weapons pretty- they are also very copious. Even at early levels you’re bombarded by a constant stream of new items, each shinier and with more skill modifiers and attributes than the last. It’s the most capitalistic RPG I know of and by level 10 your character will be decked out like a spoilt 22 year old after a London shopping trip, with rings on every finger, an inventory full of hats and shoes and a mind full of armour sets and where to find matching trousers for your chainmail top.

Of course such items are of little use unless you can show off to friends and Two Worlds has this covered with the option to play online multiplayer in standard deathmatches or the far more interesting “RPG” mode, where you create a persistent character and level him up by fighting foes and doing quests co-operatively by friends in slices of the world map. This mode is slightly let down by the WoWness of the quests, with objectives ranging from “kill these wild animals” to “find this mirror, which is guarded by wild animals” but it’s still a blast and capable of eating up hours of time, even with the lag inevitably introduced by only allowing listen servers.

So, yeah, Two Worlds really is a game of juxtapositions, like a Trabant: Eastern European, rubbish, yet still charming enough to draw loyal fans. You’ll either find yourself hating the game due to it’s flaws or loving it for the feeling love that has gone into everything, from the gently swaying trees to the way the grass becomes charred when fire spells hit it. So, this is for you, hardened RPG players, used to seeing a myriad of bugs infesting your latest purchase. However for those whose first introduction to the RPG world was Oblivion Two Worlds might not be the best choice. Try the demo first.

I give the game 75%. Flawed yet charming+2

Two Worlds

Two Worlds, a deeply flawed yet fairly engrossing RPG, is avaliable for not much more than a fiver on Steam this weekend. Its very much in the mould of oblivion boasting an open world and many quests to do. The average score on metacritic (69%) is fairly low due to its myriad of technical issues and LOLworthy voice acting but those willing to overlook such problems will find a decent 40 hours of fun.

It's a good deal for a fiver.

The game also includes an interesitng looking multiplayer mode, so if enough of us buy it we could have a go at that sometime.

J-Film #5 - 'Diary of the Dead'

'Oh deary me' was the idle thought that drifted through my mind upon departing the cinema last night and not because the film is bad, or indeed, anything less than superb, but because it was going to be hard to review. The reasons it is hard, is because the film is so great and does allot of things so well and subtly, it can be hard to find our, just what makes it good; but i shall try.

Anyway, 'Diary of the Dead' is the next, possibly last, film in George A. Romero's classic satirical zombie series, not following on from 'Land of the Dead' but parallel to the times of the original 'Night of the Living Dead' (possibly one of the most iconic films ever, if you have the original ending and not the fucking queer one, that is) however, as Mr. Romero likes to do he has set it in the modern day, for his satires strongly reflect the troubles and occurrences of the day, and i assure you none of his satire is lost.

throughout the film lots of satirical points are underlaid on the main zombie survival thriller, including humanity's need to document things (It is steady cam, but ill talk about that later) and his classic player, how the zombies are better than us. Those points are, if anything very obvious and practically said by the woman commentating the 'diary' and many more accompany it, but some of the most important satire i hid deep within the bowels of the film, its reflects New Orleans, yes, big disaster, people being raped and exploited by everyone, all the rich fuckers bugger off leaving the poor black minority populace to fend for themselves, creating a crisis zone, the government not helping at all, people blaming it on Immigration etc. Its all there including that fact that presidential coward George W. Bush was hiding in his mansion, just like the remaining cast are at a point during the film.

What is also great is how akin this is to 'Night of the Living Dead' and 'Dawn of the Dead especially' where as well as great satire, there are many comedic, laugh out loud moments, say I as remembering a deaf, mute Amish man who, as he throws a stick of dynamite at a huddle of encroaching 'Flesh Eaters', holds up a sign proclaiming him as 'Samuel' as bits of zombie fly casually and humorously over his head. So, its got the strong aura of satire, the typical apocalyptic humor and the brilliant slow shuffling, useless zombies, they are not dangerous at all if you know where they are, and thats just brilliantly reminiscent of that 'ooosome' scene in 'Night of the Living Dead' where the main female character just walks past all those zombies, with no danger to her whatsoever, they are not individually difficult to manage or dangerous,but they just wear you down with numbers, and with the stress they cause, they 'Zerglings', but apart from that the best description for them would be soviet Russian troops, theres just so many, so so many.

So, its an amazing and classic piece of George A. Romero cinema art, and just about the only American film that actually has an admirable British character in it. "But whats bad about it?" I hear you guffaw over the retaining wall i have built to separate myself from you zombies, well the 'Steady Cam', it isn't 'Steady Cam'. Now this may be for myriad reasons, such as, they are film students, who know how to use a camera and they have proper camera's not like Clover-Shit's hand-held, but this did get quite annoying, because it seemed not to be bale to decide whether it was 'SC' or not, now my dad liked it because he was never a fan of 'SC' in the first place, but i just don't think it was used in the correct manner, there weren't enough zombie jump moments as there could have been with a first person view from the camera man, angle, allot of missed potential there, I think. but if you don't like steady Cam, because it makes you dizzy or for any other reason, this fact will probably go down allot better with you.

Join me next issue, when hopefully It will be British 'Horocom' 'The Cottage' on the J-films elegant Marble table, hand carved by 67 million, naked, heaving virgins, oh and by the way 'Cloverfield' is shit.

Rundown -

Shooting: 6

Characterization: 7

Soundtrack: 8

Plot: 9

Effects: 7

Variable field dependent on context and genre - Satire and Humor: 9

Overall J-score: 8.5/10 J-FILM MUST SEE

If there is anything you would like little Johnny to know or would like to subscribe to my mass mailing alert service do not hesitate to email me at Johnny.neicho@sky.com

The Problem of Phones

I was in an awkward situation today. There I am standing on a crowded bus, and this large, middle-aged bloke suddeny yelled into my face if I wanted to "ave a beer this even'n".

I responded that I had a prior engagment, politely turning him down, only for him to give me a threatening look. He followed this up with an, even louder, "Are you bein' funny?!"

It was at this stage that I realised he was yelling into those headsets that people use, connected to their modile phones, and then sureptitiously tucked into their collars. I was, of course relived, and slightly embarassed. This embarassment was made worse by the fact that I was stuck less than a foot away from him the next half hour.

So, in an attempt to make this game related... hmmmm... I don't even see if that is possable...

Oh! yes!

In GTA IV we are all going to be given mobile phones to runa round with. We had one in San Andreas I believe, but these will be more important, being used for much more that just recieving calls. Is this a good thing? Who can tell...

Jsnuk’s weird philosophy- English edition

Javaguy is great.

Man is an animal but has raised itself above those instincts.

We tend to fall back to war if we can't achieve things peacefully [reverting back to animal instincts]

Bible quotes maek me loock clevars

The day when we stop developing new techs is the day when we all nuke each other. Er, sure.

Why were we made? Dunno.

Lets fix global warming kids!

Lets make a SUPER NATION OF +2 SUPERNESS

Lets go to space and be in star trek. I like star trek.

We're all doomed so we should give up. (on what?)

Lets kill god coz he's nature and is MEEN TO US. (!!!!)

So lets kill nature too. (As if nature was anything other than abstract, snukky)

I'm going to put a score here for the lols.

 

The Javaguy Philosophy:

Javaguy is great.

We're all animals with those basic instincts. Always will be. War will always exist, but never mind.

Technology and war are independent of each other. The pursuit of tech doesn't distract us from war, our higher instincts do.

World is fine as it is.

Nature is always here, always will be too. It is infinitely more powerful than us, it's up to us, as animals, to adapt to it.

I give this article 34%

 

 

CoD4 review, Sith

Call of Duty 4.

This is the fourth episode of the pretty highly-acclaimed Call of Duty series. Well, it's not the fourth REALLY, but it's called 4 so let's just run with it. You play as either an operative in the S.A.S, or the USMC (US Marine Corps, I believe.), called Soap McTavish (Wut?) or Paul Jackson respectively.

The single player consists of the tried, and tested formula of “Go somewhere, shoot baddies, finish mission.” Don't get me wrong, it's a good formula. As you may have noticed from the subtitle “Modern Warfare,” this isn't set in the usual World War 2 theme of previous Call of Duties. Instead, it's set in the modern world. Of course, nukes are involved in the plot, but I won't give away more than that.

The missions take place mainly in Russia, and an unnamed country in “THE MIDDLE EAST,” the S.A.S, and USMC taking missions in each respectively, though both team up for the last few missions. I really, truly, loved the graphics in Call of Duty 4. The game looked beautiful, though little better than CoD 2 (That was pretty too, so no real loss.). Some of the missions generated tension, the sniper one in particular. I won't spoil it, but it's certainly something you've probably not done anywhere else.

The game play in general is fun, with the new additions of more secondary grenades (CSS fans rejoice, flash and stun grenades have arrived.), and the new bullet penetration mechanics. Popping someone when he thinks he's safe behind cover is satisfying.

A little note, perhaps of little use and interest, is that the old “Hit in face with gun,” melee system has gone away. Now you get a shiny, new, combat knife. That was just filler, really, but who the hell cares?

Onward, then. The game was pretty damn short, I finished it within the first few days of possession, took probably less than 8 hours in total, so it's a good time sink. You've got your mandatory pick up hidden items unlockables, including an arcade mode and slow-motion.

The game ends very abruptly, in the middle of a heated gunfight, which may catch some by surprise. The real gem here, though, is the multi player. I'll come to that in a second, but I've got to finish my three-lines-minimum paragraphs. Right, done.

OK, multi player. You probably already know this, but Call of Duty is renown for its MP. This is no different. There are your bog-standard death match, and team death match game modes, involving shooting people in the face, mainly, and your CSS-stolen (Sorry, borrowed), bomb planting missions. And some bollocks called headquarters, but I haven't tried that yet.

All of the game modes can further be modified by adding “Hardcore mode.” Hardcore mode basically makes stuff... Hardcore, really. You lose your cross hairs, HUD, and map (Other than when there's a UAV on-line for your team. I'll get back to UAVs in a moment.

MP is very populated, thousands of servers on-line at a time, though not all with people on. Most of the mechanics from single player are still in MP (Actually, all of them might be.), so there's no missing out here. Also, you can throw back grenades both in MP and SP. Just thought you'd like to know.

CoD4 has taken a leaf from Battlefield 2, and introduced a ranks, and unlocks system. There are 55 ranks to rise through, and at least a dozen guns to unlock, each with some add-ons as well. Including a Desert Eagle. Yay. Anyway, there are also perks to unlock. These perks are basically bonuses for your character.

Say, for example, I want a high-health assault character, with lots of grenades and the ability to shoot more accurately. I just pick the “More frag grenades,” perk, the “Juggernaut” (More health) perk, and the accuracy perk. Then, nab an assault rifle (May I recommend the M4, once you unlock it?), and a side arm in the create a class screen on the main menu. Job done.

The ranks are pretty easy to rise through, and you have the help of challenges. Challenges are like achievements in Team Fortress 2. You do certain things like, for example, kill 25 people with your AK 47, and you get experience towards your next rank-up, and maybe a new weapon attachment. These range from grips for shotguns, to silencers and scopes for assault rifles. Funnily, you can't have a silencer and a scope at once, but that's a little thing really.

Finally, the support powers. There are three support powers, gained by getting kill streaks. The UAV, which reveals all of the enemy troops on the map without the UAV jammer perk, as red dots on your map is earned for killing 3 people in one life. Air strikes, which are self-explanatory, are earned from downing 5 in one life.

Finally, the big daddy, helicopter support. You get helicopter support from 7 kills in one life, and it is really rather good. Helicopters can shred any infantry unlucky enough to be caught in its fire into small ribbons of meat, though it's vulnerable to heavy machine guns (Like the SAW), and RPG s. The bastard RPG s are hard to aim though, so you'd be better with a gun.

So, that's that then I suppose. I'd give CoD4 a 9/10 in total. It plays well, looks good, lots of shooting, lots of explosions, good multi player, good single player. If you like first person shooters, you will really love this.

Sith